The saga continues..

I love Sundays. I could go to church and my spirit could be liberated for 3 hours. It's my time to be one with the Almighty, to be one with myself, and to forget anything and everything around me. The songs and prayers are so beautiful that I am tempted to repeat them in my mind. As I reading from the prayer book, I am astonished by the depth of the words. Really, I fall in love again and again with the Lord. ONLY if it were the case everyday. ONLY if I could pray like that everyday. ONLY if I could forget about my worries at least for 5 minutes every day. I am the most happiest as I enter the church and as I leave the church. As I enter, I am ecstatic about falling in love with God. As I leave, I am most convinced that I will change for the better. Unfortunately, it's been an ongoing process. Am I ever going to change? It's almost becoming banal. This capricious mentality must change. I just don't know how I can implement this onto my life. I guess I'm so disappointed with the real world that I am reluctant in changing myself for the better. What do you call this phenomena or reluctance? Is it my lame attempt at the ‘survival of the fittest‘ deal? Or just being plain lazy? Or being in denial?


As with everything, I do have a great issue with the day though. It is the beginning of yet another week. Another week full of worries, disappointments, anger, fury, embarrassments, and definitely fear. You are one day closer to death. You are one day closer to the D day. You are one day older. When did I become so pessimistic? No. I’m not pessimistic. As much as I would like to believe that statement, it is with the greatest of shame that I confess that I do fall into the long stretched and wrinkly hands of pessimism once in a while. At times, I am quite surprised by how my thoughts are occluded by the pessimism. When that happens, I can’t see much. I lose the motivation and inspiration to move on because I feel that there’s nothing to look forward to or that nothing is waiting for me or that there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. I am thankful that I get over this phase quite quickly. Somewhere along the road, life has taught me that dwelling on negative thoughts literally rip me up. Yet, it is so inevitable. I laugh at my own helplessness!


In the past few days, I have realized that I have changed for the better. The typical female reaction to adversities have almost disappeared from me. I am more laidback. I overlook certain things; I even look past some as well. I have become more understanding. I have become more patient. I have become more ‘human’ (In this case, being ‘human’ is a rather good thing, for a change). I love it. I have started complaining less (May be this has to do with the fact that I don’t talk to anyone on the phone now a day). Regardless, when you don’t have a source to whine to, you sit down and evaluate your actions and reactions. May be this is exactly what we need. Solitude. A few minutes to ourselves to meditate/pray. I have realized that I don’t have to ‘complain’ or ‘whine’ or ‘vent’ to humans. I can go into my room, read the Bible, and pray..and it is blissful! Who should I thank for the change in me? I say, I thank the people in my life!!