Life...what a trip!

Color, religion, caste, hair color, body shape, etc. are all trivial when compared to the compatibility of two people. I wonder if there'll be a day when the Indian community will look past the trivial things that they expect from others. I have never even bothered to consider an inter-religious or inter-caste or even inter-racial relationship. Why? My reasonings have changed over the years. At first, it was that I failed to understand how anyone could be interested in me. Later..I went through a period of 'indifference'..where I cared about pretty much nobody in this world. Then..my parents' words started echoing in my head "If you even consider such a relationship, you will be greeted the next day with the news that both of your parents'd committed suicide hanging from a ceiling fan." I wonder if the ceiling fan can hold the both of them though. Let's not get into physics. Now a day, the reason that I have engraved in my brain is surprising me as well. I don't want any kind of shame on my family because of my irresponsibility or my actions. It's simple. When my parents used to tell me about all these, I might have had a hostile attitude toward all that..thinking how I'm living my life. It is true, people. I actually care now. *Trumpets and flutes and drums* Well. I think that I have always cared. But I never looked at my life from this kind of different perspective.

At the same time, you can't really help who you fall in love with. I feel bad for those people who are caught in between their lovers and their parents. Well, it's more like they're caught in between the ugly and loathsome restrictions that are stamped on them by the community. Isn't that enough to make one cynical? Here's one person who knows that she found the love of her life..yet can't have him because he's of a different caste or religion or race. I wish that there's a way to rewire some people. I wish that people's thoughts were not occluded my silly ridiculous views.

I have none of those problems and I feel as though there is a burden on me. Scrutinizing eyes are everywhere and they are looking for one tiny thing to go wrong with me. If you ask me (or my friends - to confirm), I don't give a damn about what other people think...nor do I alter myself in anyway to make them happy. Unfortunately....I have to keep an entity called 'family' on my mind all the time. To tell you the truth, I am very meticulous about myself now a day. Not even for a second do I want myself to forget about the sacrifices that my parents had made for me. At times..well actually..many a time, I feel as though I am vulnerable. Frankly, I have no idea how to get rid of that feeling or even to cope with it. That is when you are presented with the 'moody' Merin because she feels as though she has no control over her mind...or her hormones.

Do you want a love marriage or are you going to let your parents pick your husband? I have been asked (am still asked) that question so many times that I am thinking of making a note card reply to carry around in my wallet. I'm sure that you are eager to know the answer to this question. Well..here it goes.

I really REALLY don't care.

If a guy (must be malayalee, christian (orthodox), educated with a job) says that he loves me and wants to be married to me (Yes. I live in the LaLa land and the blue moon will be shining that day), I will have to direct him to my parents (that is if I feel the same). Why? At the end of the day, my parents are the ones who hand me over (What am I..a fugitive?) to him and his family. I will never be with a guy without my parents' permission. I am well aware that my parents expect a lot from me and that I'm expected to be a certain way. That certainly means that I am to have no significant other (I'm pretty sure). They might think that I will be spending too much time thinking about the guy or being with a guy that I will ignore my priorities. Understandable. Not unheard of. I guess I won't hesitate to tell them if I like a guy........but there is no way in hell that it is going to be acceptable if I tell them that at this point in my life...as in..today...may be a few months from now, they will be at least OKAY with it. Unfortunately, even if I do like someone..I have to suppress my feelings for obvious reasons.

Now..arranged marriage. We are not talking about me getting married on one fine morning without telling a soul. We are not talking about a scenario where I don't know the guy and have barely seen him. I have to get to know the person first. I have to at least be able to evaluate him (it's inevitable..especially since I have a Psychology degree). Oh yeah..the most important of all.. he has to be able to handle me. The Good Lord knows that I'm a handful and some more. Ah. I appreciate my friends so much...they've been through hell and back with me.

I guess...there's a third option. If I really really like someone and am reluctant in presenting the issue to my parents...I can always ask someone else to be a broker (or a family friend) and introduce the guy and his background to my parents as a 'potential groom'...aka...a 'nice catch'! That will definitely be more dramatic and I will have a blast...................IF they approve. Well. I guess...the 'approval' comes from my end!!

Why the hell am I talking about all these? I don't know. I believe that I've had way too many 'relationship' conversations today.

If life were as easy as we want it to be, then we'll be taking the fun out of it! I leave you with that.

Farewell.