My burden

Have you ever disliked someone to the point where even the mere thought of that person is enough to raise your blood pressure? I was lying down, hoping to fall asleep, and quite randomly he came to mind. Then I started thinking about how he had affected my life and how thankful I am that he is no longer in my life. Of course I could have just stopped thinking there. Apparently, God has graced us women with a mind that can do wonders. Anyhow. After a bit of thinking, I started scheming this evil plan of ruining his life. My goodness. I turned evil for a few minutes just for the sake of it. Would it give me some satisfaction knowing that his life will be ruined? YES. Well, initially at least. Then I'd start feeling guilty about it. Getting back to the point....after picturing quite a bit of slapping that he would receive from me.

I wonder how many of us think of the repercussions of our actions. I wonder if he'd ever thought about the extend to which he'd hurt me. I wonder if he'd ever thought that I'd mop around for months before getting back to my self. Well, I wonder if he'd ever even thought about me. Probably not. I guess I need to learn to let go. To let go of my emotions. To let go of the past.

I thought it was over. I thought that I was completely recuperated from this. I used to cry for hours. For more than half a year, I used to cry whenever he came to my mind. Now (to my disbelief) all that has turned into anger. I am afraid that if he ever comes in front of me, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from slapping/hurting him. Certainly this is no progression. Why is it that I can't put all this behind me? Better yet, how can I stop myself from wanting to hurt him? Forgiving someone is one thing. Trying to forget the past is another. If we have to learn from our experiences, then how can we afford to forget our past?

I guess I can't ask why people suffer. It's a part of life. Happy moments. Sad moments. They are all there. Wait. I am not suffering. I just really really want to hurt the guy. Oh goodness, I am turning into a psycho. I would rather not talk about the different avenues that I am willing to take to make his life miserable.

May be I should ask for his forgiveness. We are sinning even when we have evil thoughts. May be by asking for his forgiveness, I can probably put it all behind me. The evil thoughts probably will cease. I should continue to pray for him.

I am strong. I endured all the pain. I am alive. If it doesn't kill me, it will only make me stronger.

People always ask me how I have mature thoughts and am able to give good advice. Experience - is the answer. What you go through in life certainly age you. When you've gone through a lot of crap, you will just see life with a different perspective.

There are a lot of people in this world who do not have your best interests in mind. Mark my words..in your lifetime, you will meet a couple or more of those. You can't ignore them. You probably will get ____ed over by them too. Don't let such people get the best of you. Don't let anyone bring you down. Know that you are MUCH MUCH better than what you give yourself credit for. Know that once you fall down, you just have to get back up. Sometimes you just wouldn't know where to turn and how to go on. That is when your best friend comes to your aid. :D Always ALWAYS forgive yourself.

I know that I will meet him ONE MORE TIME. I have to. God is not that cruel. He will let me see him and talk to him ONE MORE TIME. At that time, let's hope that I wouldn't have any sharp objects with or near me. Also, let's hope that by that time I had forgiven him.

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I wrote the following on the same subject this past February or so. Interesting twist on the emotions.

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To

Someone who I’d considered as a friend

Relatively close to me physically

Light years away from me mentally

From

M.V.

Someone who’d loved you and cared for you.

Painville, Agony 12345

I wish I could tell you exactly how I feel. I wish I could tell you how much you’ve hurt me. I wish I could tell you how I have recurring nightmares about you. I wish I could tell you how much your mere thoughts are giving me mental and physical agony. I want to stand face to face with you, look into your eyes and ask you why you did what you did. How could you knowingly hurt someone who’s always been there for you and had considered you a dear friend? I have been bottling all up all my feelings, but I wish I were to express them to you. Tears roll down as I think about the years that I thought of you as a friend. You did this to me; now tell me how to annihilate the pain that you’ve caused me. When someone treats me wrong, I don’t retaliate. I leave everything to God. I’d been praying for you. I really hope that you have changed. I wish I could burst into tears to abate the pain. My chest is hurting because of the burden that I’ve been carrying.

I don’t know what to do. For the first time in my life, I really do mean that sentence. Should I burst into tears? Should I yell at the wall? Should I just ignore the pain? Or should I beat myself to death? What’s the remedy? Where is the end to all these? There’s no one to turn to except God. If it weren’t for God, I probably would have been dead by now. There is so much that a person can take in her 21 years of life. I’m glad that God has been taking care of me. I am not sure who else would understand me as He does. Nobody else. Nobody else can wipe the tears that are rolling down my face except God. He knows how much I am hurting. There comes a point where one gives up on everything in life. God gives me hope. Through various ways, He reminds me how precious life is.

But I am scared. I am frustrated. How can this burden be lifted up? Maybe since I don’t know how to take advantage of people, I find it very difficult how a friend can be treated so low by another ‘friend’. I never did anything wrong to you. If anything, I have helped you in many ways. WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? What kind of excuse justifies your actions? But, in the future, consider this: don’t intentionally hurt a person who cares so much about you.

I don’t want you to be punished (by anyone) for what you’d done. I have forgiven you. I hope and pray that God will forgive you as well. I have no hard feelings toward you; just some questions, that’s all. I have a feeling that they’ll never be answered. But that’s ok. All the dilemmas are not understood; all the questions are not answered. I’ll keep on praying for you. I hope that you have a healthy and fulfilled life. Know that I don’t hate you, instead I sympathize for you – I mean that in the least condescending manner. I feel better now that I have put in words my burden.

P.S. You will never be the cause of a tear from my eye. It’s over, dear. Seven months of agony that I have been carrying has come to an end. Oh yeah, my address has been changed to:

M V

You are history to me.

Joyville, Happy