My burden

Have you ever disliked someone to the point where even the mere thought of that person is enough to raise your blood pressure? I was lying down, hoping to fall asleep, and quite randomly he came to mind. Then I started thinking about how he had affected my life and how thankful I am that he is no longer in my life. Of course I could have just stopped thinking there. Apparently, God has graced us women with a mind that can do wonders. Anyhow. After a bit of thinking, I started scheming this evil plan of ruining his life. My goodness. I turned evil for a few minutes just for the sake of it. Would it give me some satisfaction knowing that his life will be ruined? YES. Well, initially at least. Then I'd start feeling guilty about it. Getting back to the point....after picturing quite a bit of slapping that he would receive from me.

I wonder how many of us think of the repercussions of our actions. I wonder if he'd ever thought about the extend to which he'd hurt me. I wonder if he'd ever thought that I'd mop around for months before getting back to my self. Well, I wonder if he'd ever even thought about me. Probably not. I guess I need to learn to let go. To let go of my emotions. To let go of the past.

I thought it was over. I thought that I was completely recuperated from this. I used to cry for hours. For more than half a year, I used to cry whenever he came to my mind. Now (to my disbelief) all that has turned into anger. I am afraid that if he ever comes in front of me, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from slapping/hurting him. Certainly this is no progression. Why is it that I can't put all this behind me? Better yet, how can I stop myself from wanting to hurt him? Forgiving someone is one thing. Trying to forget the past is another. If we have to learn from our experiences, then how can we afford to forget our past?

I guess I can't ask why people suffer. It's a part of life. Happy moments. Sad moments. They are all there. Wait. I am not suffering. I just really really want to hurt the guy. Oh goodness, I am turning into a psycho. I would rather not talk about the different avenues that I am willing to take to make his life miserable.

May be I should ask for his forgiveness. We are sinning even when we have evil thoughts. May be by asking for his forgiveness, I can probably put it all behind me. The evil thoughts probably will cease. I should continue to pray for him.

I am strong. I endured all the pain. I am alive. If it doesn't kill me, it will only make me stronger.

People always ask me how I have mature thoughts and am able to give good advice. Experience - is the answer. What you go through in life certainly age you. When you've gone through a lot of crap, you will just see life with a different perspective.

There are a lot of people in this world who do not have your best interests in mind. Mark my words..in your lifetime, you will meet a couple or more of those. You can't ignore them. You probably will get ____ed over by them too. Don't let such people get the best of you. Don't let anyone bring you down. Know that you are MUCH MUCH better than what you give yourself credit for. Know that once you fall down, you just have to get back up. Sometimes you just wouldn't know where to turn and how to go on. That is when your best friend comes to your aid. :D Always ALWAYS forgive yourself.

I know that I will meet him ONE MORE TIME. I have to. God is not that cruel. He will let me see him and talk to him ONE MORE TIME. At that time, let's hope that I wouldn't have any sharp objects with or near me. Also, let's hope that by that time I had forgiven him.

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I wrote the following on the same subject this past February or so. Interesting twist on the emotions.

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To

Someone who I’d considered as a friend

Relatively close to me physically

Light years away from me mentally

From

M.V.

Someone who’d loved you and cared for you.

Painville, Agony 12345

I wish I could tell you exactly how I feel. I wish I could tell you how much you’ve hurt me. I wish I could tell you how I have recurring nightmares about you. I wish I could tell you how much your mere thoughts are giving me mental and physical agony. I want to stand face to face with you, look into your eyes and ask you why you did what you did. How could you knowingly hurt someone who’s always been there for you and had considered you a dear friend? I have been bottling all up all my feelings, but I wish I were to express them to you. Tears roll down as I think about the years that I thought of you as a friend. You did this to me; now tell me how to annihilate the pain that you’ve caused me. When someone treats me wrong, I don’t retaliate. I leave everything to God. I’d been praying for you. I really hope that you have changed. I wish I could burst into tears to abate the pain. My chest is hurting because of the burden that I’ve been carrying.

I don’t know what to do. For the first time in my life, I really do mean that sentence. Should I burst into tears? Should I yell at the wall? Should I just ignore the pain? Or should I beat myself to death? What’s the remedy? Where is the end to all these? There’s no one to turn to except God. If it weren’t for God, I probably would have been dead by now. There is so much that a person can take in her 21 years of life. I’m glad that God has been taking care of me. I am not sure who else would understand me as He does. Nobody else. Nobody else can wipe the tears that are rolling down my face except God. He knows how much I am hurting. There comes a point where one gives up on everything in life. God gives me hope. Through various ways, He reminds me how precious life is.

But I am scared. I am frustrated. How can this burden be lifted up? Maybe since I don’t know how to take advantage of people, I find it very difficult how a friend can be treated so low by another ‘friend’. I never did anything wrong to you. If anything, I have helped you in many ways. WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? What kind of excuse justifies your actions? But, in the future, consider this: don’t intentionally hurt a person who cares so much about you.

I don’t want you to be punished (by anyone) for what you’d done. I have forgiven you. I hope and pray that God will forgive you as well. I have no hard feelings toward you; just some questions, that’s all. I have a feeling that they’ll never be answered. But that’s ok. All the dilemmas are not understood; all the questions are not answered. I’ll keep on praying for you. I hope that you have a healthy and fulfilled life. Know that I don’t hate you, instead I sympathize for you – I mean that in the least condescending manner. I feel better now that I have put in words my burden.

P.S. You will never be the cause of a tear from my eye. It’s over, dear. Seven months of agony that I have been carrying has come to an end. Oh yeah, my address has been changed to:

M V

You are history to me.

Joyville, Happy

"Darling...darling..wake up..get up" It was my mom. She was standing next to my bed with the biggest of grin. She said "Forgot our shopping date? Get up. Two more days and we're going to India. We'll leave in 15 minutes."

I sat up. Confused yet amused. Man, what a dream!!

Maybe I'll see the rest of it tonight.

A few steps closer Part II

She stood there taking in nature's beauty at its finest. Surrounded by various types of trees and plants, the house stood tall like a warrior. She smiled at the idea of trees and plants as an entourage. A beautiful house, away from all the evils of city.

A middle aged woman approached her. She had fierce eyes; but a sweet smile. She wore a sari that was put on very roughly. She was very attractive though. She asked her if she needed help. The woman looked at her and asked where she comes from. She filled her in about her friendship with him and her surprise visit to him. The middle aged woman smiled and told her that he was in his room. The woman took a step back and told her than she will show her to his room. She asked, "how do I look?" The woman retorted genuinely "As beautiful as a rose." She smiled. This was the moment. The moment that she'd been waiting for 4 years. She had planned her every move on seeing him: hugging, a kiss on the cheek, giving him the present, etc.

She took the first step in to the house. She smiled at the older ladies sitting around as she followed the woman. If she'd thought that the house was big, she was definitely wrong. It was enormous. She was dazzled by the rare antique collectibles and furnitures in the living room. She climbed the stairs and was escorted to a locked room at the end of the hallway. The woman looked at her. She hesitated a moment as she saw the woman's hands on the door knob. She touched her hands and requested ''may I?''. The woman smiled. She told her that she'd be downstairs; patted her shoulders and left.

That was it. Her hands were sweating. She kind of smiled at the realization that her body is trembling. A man who'd made a difference in her life. A man who's been an inspiration to her. A man who she could confide in. A man she's fallen in love with. He's less than 10 feet away. Then she heard a voice..a feeble voice..

"Aunty. Is that you? Come inside."

She squeezed her eyes shut and slowly opened the door holding on to his present. She opened her eyes and almost yelled out 'SURPRISE'...................


Has that woman fooled her? She was clearly in the wrong place. It was a big room with lots of books and a computer. On the bed that's next to the window was lying a man bundled up in bed sheets. Next to the bed was a wheel chair.

She reluctantly approached the bed. Of course it wasn't him. The man's head was bald. Surely, the similarities were striking. This man looked about 20 years older than him. His face was thin. His sparkling eyes filled with surprise and awe.

Before she could produce a sound, he called her name.

The next sound was the shattering of glass. The present for him. A snow globe. The whole room was spinning. Before she knew that she was falling, her head hit the ground.

She was a few steps closer..

She'd been packing and repacking for almost 2 days now. She needed to take a break, she thought. She'd always resorted to the park next to her house when ever she had to contemplate. She thought against taking the car because of her erratic mind. She walked along the curb...alone. Being alone is frightening. It is the worst feeling in the world. She smiled. She wasn't alone. She had him. It's been 4 years now. What seemed as a casual online talk had led them to be where they are today. He hasn't changed at all. Caring, laid back, funny, protective, smiling, intelligent, spiritual guy. She couldn't ask for a better person to confide in. The sense of security that he provided for her from miles and miles away kept her going. He had walked into her life as she was going through a tough time. She had lost her best friend to a fatal accident. As a witness to the accident, she had recurring nightmares. She'd wake up in the middle of the night screaming and panting. Soon enough she had lost her spirits and her enthusiasm. She walked around like a zombie; indifferent about her life. It was during that period that he had walked into her life. Her life changed for the better. And it'd gotten better and better for the past 4 years. Her life was an open book for him. He alone held the key to her heart.

It was her that put forth the idea of meeting each other. He seemed reluctant. He'd told her to wait another 6 months. She couldn't wait one more month, she had said. When asked about the haste, she told him that it's about time that she spend some face to face time with a friend of 4 years. Truth was that she'd been secretly in love with him for a while now. Call it her desperation or curiosity, she couldn't wait to see him. She hadn't told him that she'd already booked the ticket for next week. She'll tell him when they talk on the phone today. He had a soothing voice that could pacify a baby. She's been longing to talk to him for a week now. And today's the scheduled phone day. She decided to walk back home realizing that it's almost time to call him.

She called and called. No answer. She went online. He was not online either. She was agitated. He'd been slacking off on their online conversations for the past week as well. What had gotten into him? It was Friday and she was leaving on Monday.

Friday and Saturday went by and she was getting worried.

On Sunday, she received a phone call from him. He started talking as though nothing was wrong. Needless to say that she was furious. A day had never went by without talking to him. Now he'd called and acted like nothing was wrong. He explained to her that he had to go out of state for a the past two days to take care of some business. He did not go into details; which she wasn't interested in. As he talked more, she was mellowed. She couldn't stay mad at him like that. She had suspected a weak tone in his voice; but she pushed it off as nothing serious. He was the same old him. She decided against telling him about her trip. She loved surprises. So did he.

Monday afternoon she landed. She took a taxi to his house. She felt as though her heart was going to leap out of her chest. It was a 30 minutes drive. It felt like hours and hours. She put her head back and pictured the moment of their meeting.

When the driver woke her up, she had a smile on her face. She paid the driver and stepped out. She was standing in front of a flight of stairs. She climbed up. She was facing an gigantic old fashioned house. Old but striking house. There were a few people standing around. He'd said that there are always people coming and going in his house. There are at least 4 families staying at the house at one time. She stood still and took in a breath of air. Her life will never be the same again. She was a few steps closer in meeting the most special person in her life.

The machines are quiet now..

Driving at night on the luminous strange (yet familiar) roads made her reminiscent those days when she wasn't so alone. She could almost feel him sitting next to her. It's been a while since she's had that kind of security. She wanted him back. She wished those glorious days had never ended. The void in her life aggrandized as time went by. She wished she had tried to stop him from leaving. She wished she had told him how she felt about him. She longed for his presence. Tears rolled down as she regretted every fight that were initiated by her. If he were next to her, she would ask forgiveness for everything. She would fight for him. He was the only man in her life who cared so much about her. He was with her every step of the way as she was recuperating. And he was gone. Just like that. And she just sat here and watched. She started becoming furious at herself as she thought more and more about him. The car picked up speed. It was going 80 miles per hour as opposed to 40mph (as she was driving 5 minutes ago). Her senses became occluded. She was not noticing the road anymore. Unawarely, she made turns. She ran red lights. She was not aware of the honks and blinking lights that indicated that she was going the wrong way on a high way. It was not until she was blinded by a beam of light that she noticed the truck that was coming straight at her. Before she could make a move, everything went black.

She woke up. Everything was hurting. Everything was blurry. Few moments passed by before her vision was lucid. She saw people in blue with masks over their mouth working frantically on her bloody body. What is with all the plunging? The machines in the rooms were going haywire. She looked to her side and there he was. He was smiling. He smile was always so soothing. She became ecstatic. He had forgiven her. He loved her, after all. This time she is not going to let him leave..by himself. She is going to join him, she decided. She saw that the people that were working on her were more frantic now. She thought it was funny. Nobody is going to stop her from joining him. Not now.

He held his hand out. Without hesitation, she put her soft arms on his hand. She felt a sudden thrill. At last, they are together again. Now, she was standing with him over looking the dozens of people. Finally, they had calmed down. They were leaving, one by one. Good. It was just her and him now..and the machines.

The machines are quiet now.

Autograph

I have been watching Tamil movies for the past few weeks in an attempt (almost failed) to learn Tamil. Most of the movies that I watched were useless. Useless in the sense that the plots were absolutely ridiculous.

I watched 50 minutes of the movie 'Anniyan' and felt my internal organs churning. When creating a 'fictional' movie, the people behind the scenes have to make sure that it should be comprehensible and that it should make sense. The movie is about a person who takes on different 'personalities' (shy/uptight guy, lover, killer). If the movie was trying to portray DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) in an extreme sense, they failed MISERABLY. The songs had nice beats. I was able to dance around without bringing down the house.

Anyway, my intention is to talk about the movie "Autograph" starring and directed by Cheran. It is an amazing movie. It touched me in the sense that I was able to relate to his character. He revisits the three women that had touched his life in the past. Innocent and genuine love were portrayed in the first two females respectively. The last women is inspiration.

When he was in high school, he falls in love with his classmate. He waits for her on the road. He rides bicycle along with her. He signs her progress report. Honestly, I have never seen genuine love portrayed so beautifully in a movie. There is no jealousy. There is no negative emotion involved in it. At the same time, they care for each other tremendously. It is almost nostalgic. When it was time for them to part, he secretly cuts off her hair garment so he can cherish it forever. I guess we can laugh it off as 'puppy' love or childish attraction or whatever. As you grow older, your relationship will be affected by more and more factors. It may be monetary issues, trust issues, parental issues, a third party issue, etc. When you are young, you are carefree. You want to impress the significant other. You are willing to wait one whole day on the road side for your lover. It's a beautiful feeling. There were no 'kissing' or love scenes in this particular part which maintained the 'innocence' of the couple. Absolutely beautiful. I wish I were able to experience something like that. So innocent; so pure. Something to look back to and cherish.

When he was in college, he moved to Kerala. There he meets a girl who is musically talented. He falls in love with her. He was beaten up by her family for having a relationship with her. As he leaves the place in a boat, he sees a boat with his lover as a newly wed. It crushes him. He goes through a phase of an addict until his friend shows up with a tape recorder of a message from her. Now, I did not understand her message. But it was truly heart breaking. What struck me was that the story line was truly unexpected. Unlike any 'love story' couple, this couple did not run away. I feel as though true sacrifice was shown here. They dreamed of being together, yet fate had other plans. They could have absconded; they could have died together. One may say that it's because they're cowards or inexperienced. Their sacrificial mentality is evident later on.

The third female character is the inspiration. A person who suffers from cancer who has to take care of her bedridden mother. She carries a positive mentality with her. She inspires the ones around her. She is always smiling. Even when her mother passed away; she was aiding her friend who needed her by her side.

Many a time, we meet these personalities. Not in these circumstances, per se. We fail to recognize or realize how much of an impact each person has had in our lives. Honestly, we take people for granted. It is not until they are gone that we realize how much they mean to us. Even if you did not have a positive experience with a person, you should know that it had been a learning experience. That person has changed you.

In the movie, the actor goes back and invites all three of these women to his wedding.

I see it more as coming in terms with his past. I feel as though he did not resolve himself with the first two women. So he goes back and invite them to the most important day of his life.

How many of us can do that? How many of us can genuinely walk back to our past and come in terms with those who have changed our lives? I know I can't. May be I can. It will take a lot of persuasion.

I bet that when he put that thaali thread around his bride, he had no regrets.

Forgive others. Moreover, forgive ourselves. If you feel that something is pending, come in terms with it.

Loved the movie. Love the characters. The actors and actresses did a marvelous job which made the movie most enjoyable.