The Flower That Fell..

He was woken up from his sleep by the cellphone ring. 'Damn..I need to turn my phone off before I sleep', he thought. Cursing his rotten luck of being interrupted from a rather sweet dream, he annoyingly picked up the phone. He was greeted with a sweet voice, 'Still asleep?'! It was the same person that's been waking him up in the morning for the past 5 years. She has always called at 8AM on the dot and that day was no different. 'How could she wake up this early'!!! He got up and sleepily said 'Not now. Man, I was having an awesome dream. I think there was a girl involved too. You just ruined it for me'!! Before he could finish the sentenced, he was presented with a tirade from her about how he should go to sleep early and get consistent hours of sleep. Even though she reiterates the same to him almost everyday, he still hasn't gotten tired of it.

It was very coincidentally that they'd met. It was at a friend's party that he had reluctantly attended. He was new to the town and had not made many friends. He did not want to be uncomfortable among strangers and thought that he'd spare himself. But his friend pushed him to attend and he agreed. He walked into the apartment quite early in hope to get to know a few people beforehand so that he won't be sitting in a corner bored out of his mind. As he knocked on the door, he could hear the noises from inside. A female opened the door and gave him a warm smile. He was greeted inside where he was welcomed by his friend. Thankfully, there were only about 5 people present there. They were decorating the apartment and he thought that he'd join in on the fun. Within a matter of minutes, he realized that the group of people was definitely one of the friendliest he'd encountered.

The same female that had opened the door was helping him with decorations. As they were doing so, they started chatting on quite random topics. She was very laid back. At the same time, she was intelligent and he seemed as though she had a great personality. He felt very comfortable with her. As the night progressed, they talked more and more to realize that they are alike in a lot of ways. She kept him company all night and he left the night with her contact information. From then, many calls were made to each other...many dinners were shared...many parks were walked on. And it's been 5 years and they still remain the best of friends.

Getting back to the call, he sensed that she had something to say to him. So he asked if everything was alright. She said that she had something important to tell him. Her voice was a bit dull. They arranged to meet each other in an hour. He started getting ready right away because he did not want to start a quarrel about his usual tardiness. He went down to the garage to get his car. It started raining. He went back into the apartment to get an umbrella because it was a 3 minute walk from the parking lot to the park. As he hoped in his car, he realized that his gas tank was almost empty. He was so convinced that the cosmic forces were trying to play a game with him. After filling fuel, he sped to the park. By the time he got to the park, the rain had stopped. Sunny day, he thought to himself.

He walked to their usual meeting and she was waiting for him. He was ready for a tirade and was about to apologize when he saw her face. It was gloomy. This was a surprise to him since she's smiling almost all the time. He asked what was wrong and she just smiled at him sadly. "I don't know where to begin, dear. I thought of about 5 different ways to introduce this to you but nothing seems to be sticking. I'm just going to say it. My marriage is arranged." It took him a few seconds to process that information. As soon as he did, he started laughing like a maniac. "You got me. You got me. Great way to start a day. Now I am completely awake", he said. Saying that, he looked at her. Her expression had not changed. He was dumbfounded. She kept on talking and he could not hear anything. At last, he managed to say "And you are okay with this?" She talked about how her fiance is a childhood friend and that their families are close as well. It was a very abrupt decision and since there was no opposition from both sides, they decided to go ahead with the planning. The night before, both families came together and had a verbal agreement.

He could not believe his ears. 'Why did not you tell me about this before?' he asked. 'The whole process was in 3 days and I needed some time to register the information in my head' she retorted.

They sat together on the bench. No words. No sound.

At last, she broke the silence. 'You know, this may be hilarious. We've known each other for 5 years and there had been a few times when I felt something for you. Something more than what a friend feels for another friend. It probably was wrong of me have thought that way. I just couldn't help myself. You became a part of me and there were times when I felt as though I wouldn't have moved on if it weren't for you being there for me. There were times when the mere thought of you made me ecstatic. Don't laugh, alright? I was such an idiot. I know that you'd never thought of me in that manner. I was wrong to have thought that. I thought I should say this anyway, so that I won't have a heavy heart later on in my life whenever I think of you.'

He looked at her with his mouth wide open. He started to say something.....but she interrupted...

"Hey, you know...if you had ever told that you had feelings for me....could you even imagine where we would be today? Anyhow. No point thinking about the past. We'll remain friends and nothing can come between our friendship. I'll call you tomorrow, okay? I have a date with my fiance today and I better not be late. Well. He's a nice guy, I'm sure he won't mind though. But I'd rather build up a good first impression. I know that this is a lot to take in, but do understand...yeah? I'm sorry that I didn't tell you this in advance. We'll hang tomorrow. Buh bye."

She walked away..waving. A tear drop rolled down his cheeks on to his shirt. Just then, a flower from the shady tree fell next to him.

He truly had loved her and was planning to confess his love that night.

Nosy about me? Read away..

Are you a vegetarian?
Currently, yes. Usually, NO.

Do you believe in Heaven?
Yes.

Have you ever come close to dying?
Yes.

What jewelry do you wear 24/7?
My earrings. I’m not a fan of jewelry. I wear them only when I have to.

Are you eating?
Surprisingly, not now

Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
That’s my favorite part of the broccoli.

Do you wear makeup?
No. I’m allergic to the cheap make-up. So I spare myself from the financial burden.

Would you ever have plastic surgery?
No. Even though I can think of a place or two that’ll benefit from it.

What do you wear to bed?
Whatever I was wearing before I hit the bed

Have you ever done anything illegal?
Probably…well…may be…yeah. I think so.

Can you roll your tongue?
No. But I can use it well though

Do you have a boyfriend?
No.

Do you believe in Abortions?
What’s there not to believe? It exists. Do I oppose it? No I don’t. I think that a woman’s body is her own business.

Do you want to get married?
I do. Hearing about/seeing the happenings around me, I can’t help but be reluctant.

What is your Hair color?
Emm…it’s dark. So…black?

Future child's name, boy and girl?
Haven’t thought that far into the future. I like the name ‘Joshua’…

Do you smoke?
No

If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?
Africa

Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
I used to. Now I have a cute little pillow that I hug (at times) to bed…it’s abandoned some time in the middle of the night.

If you win the lottery, what would you do first?
Jump up and down, obviously. The next will be to give portions to my parents then to three of my best buddies as I had promised them.

Gold or silver?
Depends on the outfit.

Hamburger or hot dog?
Depends on the mood. Mostly, hamburger.

City, beach or country?
All three and some

What was the last thing you touched?
My desk?

Where did you eat last?
In the kitchen: porotta and sambar

When's the last time you cried?
Today (around 6pm)…was in one of those moods.

Do you read blogs?
Yes. In fact, it is from a blog that I got the idea to do this

Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
I’ve done it. I don’t mind.

Ever been involved with the police?
Yes.

What's your favorite shampoo/conditioner and soap?
Dove

Do you talk in your sleep?
Not sure. I wouldn’t be surprised if I do, though.

Ocean or pool?
Ocean. I’ve never been to an ocean..may be that’s why!

What's your favorite song at the moment?
“Endharo Mahanubhavulu’

Have you ever had a cavity?
Yes.

Window seat or aisle seats?
Window, baby!

Ever met anyone famous?
I’ve seen many celebrities. I don’t think that I’ve met any though.

Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life?
I’ve had a meaningful life.

Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
Twirl…………

What is your fav. sport to play?
Badminton

Basketball or football?
Neither

Do you drive a stick?
No. I want to. I think it’s hot.

Cake or ice cream?
Ice cream!

Are you self-conscious?
Yes. Very.

Have you ever given money to a bum?
Yes.

Have you been in love?
No

Where do you wish you were?
Next to………………………..
Fine! I wish I were on top of a mountain

Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
Yes

Can you tango?
Learned it a long time ago. Need to refresh though

Last gift you received?
A ‘glitter’ globe

What occasion did you receive your gift?
It was a ‘random’ gift according to the presenter. I think of it as my birthday gift.

Last thing you spent lots of money on?
I can’t remember the last time I had a lot of money.

Where do you live?
Heaven…some people call it merin’s home.

Last wedding attended.
May 2007. A close friend’s

Favorite restaurant?
Where there is good food

What is your favorite kind of car?
The one that makes everyone say ‘DAMN…lucky driver’

When was the last time you got drunk?
I don’t get drunk. I’m well in control of myself!!

Most hated food(s)
Doesn’t exist

Most loved food(s)?
Any food

Can you sing?
I believe that…no matter what others say

What's your least fav. chores?
Doesn’t apply to me..since I don’t do much of chores.

Favorite drink?
Water

Currently have a crush?
I don’t like the word ‘crush’

How long was your longest drive in a car?
An hour and fifteen minutes

Life...what a trip!

Color, religion, caste, hair color, body shape, etc. are all trivial when compared to the compatibility of two people. I wonder if there'll be a day when the Indian community will look past the trivial things that they expect from others. I have never even bothered to consider an inter-religious or inter-caste or even inter-racial relationship. Why? My reasonings have changed over the years. At first, it was that I failed to understand how anyone could be interested in me. Later..I went through a period of 'indifference'..where I cared about pretty much nobody in this world. Then..my parents' words started echoing in my head "If you even consider such a relationship, you will be greeted the next day with the news that both of your parents'd committed suicide hanging from a ceiling fan." I wonder if the ceiling fan can hold the both of them though. Let's not get into physics. Now a day, the reason that I have engraved in my brain is surprising me as well. I don't want any kind of shame on my family because of my irresponsibility or my actions. It's simple. When my parents used to tell me about all these, I might have had a hostile attitude toward all that..thinking how I'm living my life. It is true, people. I actually care now. *Trumpets and flutes and drums* Well. I think that I have always cared. But I never looked at my life from this kind of different perspective.

At the same time, you can't really help who you fall in love with. I feel bad for those people who are caught in between their lovers and their parents. Well, it's more like they're caught in between the ugly and loathsome restrictions that are stamped on them by the community. Isn't that enough to make one cynical? Here's one person who knows that she found the love of her life..yet can't have him because he's of a different caste or religion or race. I wish that there's a way to rewire some people. I wish that people's thoughts were not occluded my silly ridiculous views.

I have none of those problems and I feel as though there is a burden on me. Scrutinizing eyes are everywhere and they are looking for one tiny thing to go wrong with me. If you ask me (or my friends - to confirm), I don't give a damn about what other people think...nor do I alter myself in anyway to make them happy. Unfortunately....I have to keep an entity called 'family' on my mind all the time. To tell you the truth, I am very meticulous about myself now a day. Not even for a second do I want myself to forget about the sacrifices that my parents had made for me. At times..well actually..many a time, I feel as though I am vulnerable. Frankly, I have no idea how to get rid of that feeling or even to cope with it. That is when you are presented with the 'moody' Merin because she feels as though she has no control over her mind...or her hormones.

Do you want a love marriage or are you going to let your parents pick your husband? I have been asked (am still asked) that question so many times that I am thinking of making a note card reply to carry around in my wallet. I'm sure that you are eager to know the answer to this question. Well..here it goes.

I really REALLY don't care.

If a guy (must be malayalee, christian (orthodox), educated with a job) says that he loves me and wants to be married to me (Yes. I live in the LaLa land and the blue moon will be shining that day), I will have to direct him to my parents (that is if I feel the same). Why? At the end of the day, my parents are the ones who hand me over (What am I..a fugitive?) to him and his family. I will never be with a guy without my parents' permission. I am well aware that my parents expect a lot from me and that I'm expected to be a certain way. That certainly means that I am to have no significant other (I'm pretty sure). They might think that I will be spending too much time thinking about the guy or being with a guy that I will ignore my priorities. Understandable. Not unheard of. I guess I won't hesitate to tell them if I like a guy........but there is no way in hell that it is going to be acceptable if I tell them that at this point in my life...as in..today...may be a few months from now, they will be at least OKAY with it. Unfortunately, even if I do like someone..I have to suppress my feelings for obvious reasons.

Now..arranged marriage. We are not talking about me getting married on one fine morning without telling a soul. We are not talking about a scenario where I don't know the guy and have barely seen him. I have to get to know the person first. I have to at least be able to evaluate him (it's inevitable..especially since I have a Psychology degree). Oh yeah..the most important of all.. he has to be able to handle me. The Good Lord knows that I'm a handful and some more. Ah. I appreciate my friends so much...they've been through hell and back with me.

I guess...there's a third option. If I really really like someone and am reluctant in presenting the issue to my parents...I can always ask someone else to be a broker (or a family friend) and introduce the guy and his background to my parents as a 'potential groom'...aka...a 'nice catch'! That will definitely be more dramatic and I will have a blast...................IF they approve. Well. I guess...the 'approval' comes from my end!!

Why the hell am I talking about all these? I don't know. I believe that I've had way too many 'relationship' conversations today.

If life were as easy as we want it to be, then we'll be taking the fun out of it! I leave you with that.

Farewell.

me - the phenomenon

It has been a while since I have posted something here. I have much to do. I should be sleeping now so that I can wake up early in the morning and study for 10+ hours tomorrow. Ah. Procrastination seems so right. It feels so right. It sounds so right. I guess it must be right then. Academics are taking up 90% of my time. The rest is dedicated to basic needs. I was thinking aloud one day and my friend supports me on this: we could accomplish so many things if we did not have to sleep. It was not until I took a class on sleep that I realized that I need to take better care of myself. I wish I could share the knowledge with the rest of the world....but I can't...there's just so much to know and realize. I might write a book one day. I tell people to get adequate amount of sleep at a regular time. If you don't, your mind will start fooling with you. If you don't sleep (that too, REM sleep), you will definitely have both health problems and 'mental' problems. My theory is that dreams are body's way of consolidating memory. Well..I'm not gonna go into any more details. So...those who don't get adequate sleep, please try to. Trust me, your excuse of 'my body is used to 2 hours of sleep and I can't sleep for more than that' is bogus. A human needs at least 6 hours of sleep. None of you are superhuman...so...start sleeping right!!

I want to scream out to the world what I'm feeling, but I can't. I'm not sure what is hindering it. May be it is self doubt. I am a busy person. Or I should be a busy person with the amount of things that I have to do and take care of. Yet, at times, I stop dead in tracks thinking about this. Sadly and unfortunately, this is quite familiar. The last time I let myself feel like this, I ended up in abyss. Self-restraint is not working out. May be I just don't want to be restrained. May be I want to liberate myself. Not good. If that happens, I will be bogged on on these thoughts that it will occlude my thought process..hence ceasing me from reaching my goals. I've got to say.. at this point in my life..my goals are quite realistic. Yet, my wants (not 'needs') are quite idealistic. To get over the temptation, I have to have a strong motivation. I do have a strong motivation. So what is the problem?!?!

It's like infatuation and attraction. Certain emotions overlap. At the same time, you are not really sure as to what you are feeling. Frustration and desperation occlude your thinking. So what are you going to do about it? Ask yourself. YEAH RIGHT. Like that is going to go anywhere. You will end up with more questions. There's only one thing left: you have to convince yourself that it is not one of your priorities and that it is not worth hours of pondering. Do you know why most relationships fail? Desperation! Most people are in a relationship because they WANT to be in a relationship not because they NEED to be in one. They can't bear the thought of being alone. So they pick the next person that shows an interest in them. When you need to be with a particular person, that is when you know that you love him or her. Now, my question is answered. It's not a need. It's a want...definitely as a result of desperation. I can move on now. I'm content!

My burden

Have you ever disliked someone to the point where even the mere thought of that person is enough to raise your blood pressure? I was lying down, hoping to fall asleep, and quite randomly he came to mind. Then I started thinking about how he had affected my life and how thankful I am that he is no longer in my life. Of course I could have just stopped thinking there. Apparently, God has graced us women with a mind that can do wonders. Anyhow. After a bit of thinking, I started scheming this evil plan of ruining his life. My goodness. I turned evil for a few minutes just for the sake of it. Would it give me some satisfaction knowing that his life will be ruined? YES. Well, initially at least. Then I'd start feeling guilty about it. Getting back to the point....after picturing quite a bit of slapping that he would receive from me.

I wonder how many of us think of the repercussions of our actions. I wonder if he'd ever thought about the extend to which he'd hurt me. I wonder if he'd ever thought that I'd mop around for months before getting back to my self. Well, I wonder if he'd ever even thought about me. Probably not. I guess I need to learn to let go. To let go of my emotions. To let go of the past.

I thought it was over. I thought that I was completely recuperated from this. I used to cry for hours. For more than half a year, I used to cry whenever he came to my mind. Now (to my disbelief) all that has turned into anger. I am afraid that if he ever comes in front of me, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from slapping/hurting him. Certainly this is no progression. Why is it that I can't put all this behind me? Better yet, how can I stop myself from wanting to hurt him? Forgiving someone is one thing. Trying to forget the past is another. If we have to learn from our experiences, then how can we afford to forget our past?

I guess I can't ask why people suffer. It's a part of life. Happy moments. Sad moments. They are all there. Wait. I am not suffering. I just really really want to hurt the guy. Oh goodness, I am turning into a psycho. I would rather not talk about the different avenues that I am willing to take to make his life miserable.

May be I should ask for his forgiveness. We are sinning even when we have evil thoughts. May be by asking for his forgiveness, I can probably put it all behind me. The evil thoughts probably will cease. I should continue to pray for him.

I am strong. I endured all the pain. I am alive. If it doesn't kill me, it will only make me stronger.

People always ask me how I have mature thoughts and am able to give good advice. Experience - is the answer. What you go through in life certainly age you. When you've gone through a lot of crap, you will just see life with a different perspective.

There are a lot of people in this world who do not have your best interests in mind. Mark my words..in your lifetime, you will meet a couple or more of those. You can't ignore them. You probably will get ____ed over by them too. Don't let such people get the best of you. Don't let anyone bring you down. Know that you are MUCH MUCH better than what you give yourself credit for. Know that once you fall down, you just have to get back up. Sometimes you just wouldn't know where to turn and how to go on. That is when your best friend comes to your aid. :D Always ALWAYS forgive yourself.

I know that I will meet him ONE MORE TIME. I have to. God is not that cruel. He will let me see him and talk to him ONE MORE TIME. At that time, let's hope that I wouldn't have any sharp objects with or near me. Also, let's hope that by that time I had forgiven him.

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I wrote the following on the same subject this past February or so. Interesting twist on the emotions.

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To

Someone who I’d considered as a friend

Relatively close to me physically

Light years away from me mentally

From

M.V.

Someone who’d loved you and cared for you.

Painville, Agony 12345

I wish I could tell you exactly how I feel. I wish I could tell you how much you’ve hurt me. I wish I could tell you how I have recurring nightmares about you. I wish I could tell you how much your mere thoughts are giving me mental and physical agony. I want to stand face to face with you, look into your eyes and ask you why you did what you did. How could you knowingly hurt someone who’s always been there for you and had considered you a dear friend? I have been bottling all up all my feelings, but I wish I were to express them to you. Tears roll down as I think about the years that I thought of you as a friend. You did this to me; now tell me how to annihilate the pain that you’ve caused me. When someone treats me wrong, I don’t retaliate. I leave everything to God. I’d been praying for you. I really hope that you have changed. I wish I could burst into tears to abate the pain. My chest is hurting because of the burden that I’ve been carrying.

I don’t know what to do. For the first time in my life, I really do mean that sentence. Should I burst into tears? Should I yell at the wall? Should I just ignore the pain? Or should I beat myself to death? What’s the remedy? Where is the end to all these? There’s no one to turn to except God. If it weren’t for God, I probably would have been dead by now. There is so much that a person can take in her 21 years of life. I’m glad that God has been taking care of me. I am not sure who else would understand me as He does. Nobody else. Nobody else can wipe the tears that are rolling down my face except God. He knows how much I am hurting. There comes a point where one gives up on everything in life. God gives me hope. Through various ways, He reminds me how precious life is.

But I am scared. I am frustrated. How can this burden be lifted up? Maybe since I don’t know how to take advantage of people, I find it very difficult how a friend can be treated so low by another ‘friend’. I never did anything wrong to you. If anything, I have helped you in many ways. WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? What kind of excuse justifies your actions? But, in the future, consider this: don’t intentionally hurt a person who cares so much about you.

I don’t want you to be punished (by anyone) for what you’d done. I have forgiven you. I hope and pray that God will forgive you as well. I have no hard feelings toward you; just some questions, that’s all. I have a feeling that they’ll never be answered. But that’s ok. All the dilemmas are not understood; all the questions are not answered. I’ll keep on praying for you. I hope that you have a healthy and fulfilled life. Know that I don’t hate you, instead I sympathize for you – I mean that in the least condescending manner. I feel better now that I have put in words my burden.

P.S. You will never be the cause of a tear from my eye. It’s over, dear. Seven months of agony that I have been carrying has come to an end. Oh yeah, my address has been changed to:

M V

You are history to me.

Joyville, Happy