Perpetual

Where have I been...?

2011-01-21T13:03:00.004-05:00

Wow..it seems like I have been gone forever. To be honest, I did not realize the length of my tardiness until an old friend had reminded me. Has the time come for me to come back to the blogging world? Am I ready? We shall see...

So..what has happened to me in the last two years that I must update you on.

1. I have completed 2 years of medical school successfully. [Passed the board exams and am in clinical clerkships now. Yes, it is a shock to me as it is to you.] I have started my third year where I actually SEE patients and talk to them and also be insulted by my superiors. :) Love it. One day, I shall be the one humiliating the low-life medical students who look so lost and are in the verge of tears because they don't seem to know much of ANYTHING regardless of the FINE basic sciences education of 2 years.

2. I've grown old and wrinkly. I passed the quarter century last month and don't feel a day older than 14. Umm...I'm not in denial. This is my way of embracing the old age. :D

3. I have gotten married and am pregnant with twins. Just kidding.....[about the marriage AND the pregnancy]. I still don't have room for the word 'wedding' in my dictionary of life.

4. Pardon me if I come across as conceited, but I feel more confident, beautiful, and loved than I did 2 years ago. It may be the people in my life or it may be the environment, or it may just be that I've grown to love and accept the persona that I am. Either way, I feel as though I'm a stronger person.

Now..on to some other things.

I was having a conversation with a fellow medical student who was about to start her clinical clerkship. She was so melodramatic about her new clerkship. Apparently, the day after she was to see an HIV+ patient and do physical examination on him/her. She did not want to touch the patient nor did she want to be so near him/her. Now, I understand being concerned about contracting HIV, if YOU ARE WALKING AROUND WITH A DAMN NEEDLE WITH HIV+ BLOOD. You are NOT going to be HIV+ by touching that patient. I was baffled by her reaction. I can understand the ignorant, uneducated, and biased among the general population having a 'concern' like this. But she is a medical student who has studied human body for 2 whole years and her actions were unacceptable. I have had students in my class who did not even touch the cadavers that we used to dissect in the 1st year, because they were so 'yuck'!!

If she thinks she can get away with this kind of disregard for a patient, she has it coming. Guess who gets to do all the DRE (Digital Rectal Exam)? Yup..you guessed. They make the medical students do all the DIRTY [literally AND figuratively] stuff. Oh yes, my dear... guess what the D in DRE stand for... uhhhuh...your FINGERS!!

I am in pediatrics rotation now. Those kids carry around all kind of germs, and they are FILTHY. And guess who they drool on? Yup..me! Guess what they grab with the same hands that they put in their nose? Yup..my stethoscope. Guess where they vomit? Yup...my shoes! Guess who has to check their diapers as part of routine examination? Uhhuh..that's right, ME! I am certain that the first diaper that I'm going to change IS NOT going to be my child's [if I ever get around to having a child, that is]. But..at the end of the day, it is not about how filthy they are or how their shriek gives you a headache. It is about what you have learned and also what you take away from that patient. Is it really about getting that extra one point on your board exam because you learned that the 'satellite lesions' are associated with 'Candida infection' or is it about you make it a note to tell your next patient that it is not safe to smoke INSIDE the house with your 5 day old child because it will lead her to have asthma and other complications?

We have all had difficult times in our lives, some more than others. But I think we all will appreciate our parents and our childhood when we across a 1 year old child who lives with his mother and grandmother because his father left him, and is in a coma today because his mentally retarded mother used him as a punch bag?

Happy New Year, people!

Looking back..

2009-02-06T19:22:00.002-05:00

Have you ever looked back at your past and thought 'Man..I AM SO GLAD that..that particular thing did not work out?'

:) Ah!!!! Now you realize that you have better things going on and life can't get better!!!

YEAH, BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Jan. 06, 2009

2009-01-07T17:42:00.000-05:00

Jan. 06, 2009
Medical school is not easy. The amount of information that the lecturers bombard the students with at one time is so extensive that it is quite common to see confused faces all around. For example, in an hour and a half time period, our teacher had gone through so many different topics that I just gave up on listening or even understanding the old Indian male teacher. When the class was over, I was aghast – we went through 87 slides in a span of an hour and a half. Having my laptop in front of me SURELY did not help because I was on orkut, facebook, ValueMD, and other horribly distracting yet essential to live websites. Oh. Today (Jan. 6th) was just the first day of classes. I had already studied for about 3 hours already. I plan to study for another 2 hours. That’s about 5 hours of studying A NIGHT. I had NEVER done that even before the day/week before the finals…EVER.

I was fortunate today because I did not have Anatomy lab. Thus, I was able to start studying earlier (around 4pm). Lab (starting tomorrow) will last until 5pm. We’ll be having some person to cadaver quality time. That will force me to take a (or even multiple) long shower for the rest of the semester. May be it will cure me from gluttony. Whatever the case. I may not be able to start studying until 7pm. If I must study for 5 hours every night, that means that I am looking to sleep around 1am.

Well. That might not be so bad. I have been lying down to sleep around 10pm every night for the past few days. After the donkey’s cries, paranoia from rattling noises, barking of the dogs that apparently have some kind of batteries in them to give them energy to bark all night, loud music…I usually slept around 12am. Oh, before I forget let me just tell you that roosters are just plain evil. The blessed rooster next to my house crows from 3:30 EVERY FREAKING MORNING on a 15 minute interval and it won’t stop crowing even after I leave for college. Coelho said that the whole world conspires to help you achieve your dream. Hell, that surely ain’t happening at this point!

But I am content. I feel like I have finally realized what I want to do with my life. My family is great. I am so thankful to have someone who cares so much about me and loves me that I often wonder if I’m living a dream. He alone has made me realize that not all men are spineless and cowards.

Life is a journey. In that journey, we will have to face many obstacles. As we overcome those obstacles, we become better and stronger persons. I hope to come out of this experience as a better person. When I do find myself discouraged, I know that there are those who actually care enough about me to motivate me and encourage me.

That darn thing.....

2008-12-08T18:02:00.003-05:00

Have you ever had something so delicious to eat, but had its residue left between your teeth? It's usually like that tiny itty bitty strand of chicken or beef that usually finds a nice little spot to hide in between your molars. Annoying, isn't it? So, if you are waiting for dessert...you try your best to get that thing out of your teeth so that I can enjoy the oh-so-awaited (supposedly) delicious food. You may excuse yourself to go to the restroom to get rid of the little bastard and may not have much luck with it. You try your best and it's still there...flipping you off. As though, it has established its throne there. Prayers, bribes, etc. do not work, unfortunately.

Then the dessert comes.

Of course, you are obviously annoyed by that thing between your teeth. You want to enjoy your dessert. But CAN'T. Why not? Because it is bothering you. You curse the auntie who made that delicious tandoori chicken. It does not matter to you that the chicken WAS DELICIOUS. What matters IS the residue that's left. So..now...you hate the chicken that you had and can't make your poor soul to enjoy the dessert regardless of the savor that everyone's talking about.

So NOW..let me work my creative mind here...and compare the above 'ejjaamble' to relationships. Ah..you people knew that was coming, didn't you? No? OK! Read along, then!

You may be going through a bitter time. A good time may have come to a halt. Yet, the emotional baggage may still bother you. When someone else comes along, you may find it difficult to let go of the past. You may still be bitter, annoyed, or even irritated at that baggage or even the past.

Do understand this. When you were relishing that tandoori chicken, you enjoyed it. You loved it and you even complemented the auntie, the cook. It was only after it was over that you started having the negative thoughts. It's the same with a relationship. When you were in that particular relationship, you enjoyed it to the fullest. You can't look back, once it's over, and start cursing the persons that were involved in there. It is very hypocritical. Cherish the good times. Know that all good times do come to an end. Learn something from your past. You can thank your past for molding today's you. The experience, the people, the locations, etc. all came together to make you...YOU!

Don't let your past (mis)guide you. That strand of chicken can be removed by a toothbrush or a floss. You might have to pick at it for a while before it decides to come out. But it will. Same with any emotional burden in your life. Give it time. Be around good company. Be positive. There is always that good thing waiting for you...ready to knock on your door. Or may be already knocking. You may not be hearing it because you are too busy talking aloud and cursing.

At times, it takes someone very special to show you how much you are worth.

Don't ever sell yourself short. :D

Ciao!

Century

2008-12-02T23:05:00.002-05:00

Interesting milestone, I should say. 100th post. Never thought that I would keep this blog long enough to write the 100th post. I don't know WHAT kept me here; probably the knowledge that there are people who read my nonsense.

Must say, I got a couple of good friends from this blog world. :D Very thankful for that.

A lot of things (good and bad) have happened since my first post here. A toast to those experiences. Hopefully I learned a lot from them. :D

If you are a random reader and I don't know of/about you, I thank you for stopping by. Continue to be nosy. :D Something interesting might be on the way.

Last..but definitely not least...and may be the most important, even...

I would like to dedicate this blog and this particular post to ICHU! :D Thank You! :D

2008-11-28T23:19:00.003-05:00

The thought of getting back to academics after a LONG (really really LONG; seemed longer than it actually was) week is killing me.

The break started around 1pm on Monday and it will end tomorrow, unofficially - since I have to start studying for that oh-so-lovely Anatomy lab practical.

I forgot to take pictures of the sheep brain and cow eyes that I dissected. I would posted them here, otherwise. But to give you all a picture - sheep brain is VERY mushy (think of mushroom) and the inside of cow eyes is like a jello with juice oozing out (mm..jelllo). muahahaha *insert evil smiley*

You are welcome!!

With your recommendations, I should be in hell in NO time!

My Beer Date

2008-11-25T11:23:00.005-05:00

My friend and I walked into Moe's because she has never eaten there. So we order some stuff that had names that could very well pass for tongue twisters. We walked down the aisle and the EXTREMELY good looking guy asked if we wanted something to drink. My friend looked over and saw what looked like beer, next to the bottled water...in ice.

She: Hey Merin, is that beer?
Me: I don't know. Looks like it. [To the guy] Hey, how much is the beer?!
He: [with a baffled look] That's not beer. That's sprinkled water.
Me: Oh. Surely looks like beer. [I was convinced that he just didn't want to sell me the beer.]
He: It's sprinkled water.
Me: [To my friend] Maanam poyi [Loose English translation: Embarassing!]
He: You shouldn't drink on a weekdays. Only drink during weekends. You are students.
Me: Well..we don't really drink..but..emm....Sprinkled water comes in beer bottle look alikes?
He: Yeah! Would you like to have one?

To hide the embarassment, my friend was forced to buy one sprinkled water for both of us while I bought out lunch.

It tasted like soda. But I liked it.

Bitching, Beans, Nachos, and Beer - nice combination!

2008-11-24T05:50:00.002-05:00

I have lost 5 pounds in a week.

Who needs exercise! Pssh...

I don't even have an appetite now a day!!

If I keep this up, the rest of the 15 pounds should shed in a few weeks.

Looks like I have the first class ticket to reach heaven - thanks to an inattentive mind, tired eyes, failing reflexes, undependable limbs, and unwary central nervous system!

I'm going to ace that exam today!!!! woohoo!!!

I found me!

2008-11-22T12:19:00.002-05:00

I searched and searched. But had no luck. I was about to give up when I thought of something. I sprinted. Yes, She was there. Sitting on rock with a pensive look, at the intersection of memory lanes. I slowly walked to Her. She raised her face to look at me. Then She moved over to give me some space to sit on the rock. I took my place and asked Her 'What are you doing here?'! She said 'I don't know. I often find myself sitting here and contemplating on my life.' We sat there for a few minutes without speaking a word to each other before I asked Her 'What are you pondering over?' She hesitated a moment. I saw that She was composing herself. Then She said 'I am wondering if I can go on. I have this gut feeling that I will fail anything that I attempt. I think I am scared. In short, I don't know how long I can survive.' I nodded, for She and I understood each other more than anyone else.

I thought for a minute or so. Then I told Her 'well..let's take a walk down the memory lane. Let's start from rue de childhood.' We saw a poignant child who got up at 5 am every morning to study. Was she sad? I wanted to stop and ask her but we had to keep moving. On the other side of the road, I saw a lonely child who wanted to scream out her frustration but instead retired to her books for the hopes of drowning her sorrows and disappointments. But I wondered, why was she lonely? I tried to discuss it with Her. She said, 'she doesn't complain that she is lonely. I believe that she was quite content with it.' Poor child. Then I saw those wild animals on the opposite side of the road. I wanted to rescue her from those wild animals who were eyeing her to tear her apart. I wanted to give her a hug. But we had to keep moving. Before we turned to the next street I looked back, I saw that the wild animals were approaching her in a slow pace. I wanted to run back and help her. But She stopped me. She smiled and told me 'She will be just fine.' She smiled?!

Later, She told me that she excelled in all her classes by topping all of them! But what about those wild animals?

The next was the street of adolescence. The child had grown up. She had survived the loneliness. She had a lot of people around her. Friends, that is. She seemed to have a special aura around her. She seemed to have put the past behind her. We kept walking. We heard laughters. I turned to the other side of the road. She had become quite a humurous girl. What a change. I truly enjoyed walking down the street. Random boys in the bus stop who wanted to talk to her, random boys in church that she wanted to talk to, being quite the popular girl in her tuition school....etc. Before we knew it, we were coming to a stop. There was a 180 degree turn that we had to take on the same street.

She told me to be prepared.

I must say, she did not warn me enough. I could not believe that this was the same street. It was very dark and gloomy. Same girl with same innocence. But she was bombarded with so many responsibilites of being in another country. I saw her shivering in the cold without a decent jacket. Four people confined to one dark room in a even darker house. So called 'cousin' sneering at her. Perverted cousin. People who tried to make her feel inferior. *Shudder* I wanted to sprint. Then I saw her sleeping by the front door of her apartment so that she can wake up when her parents come back from work around midnight - they only had one key. Oh wait. The street was getting brighter.

We took another turn.

That particular path was rather pleasant. She seemed content. She wasn't free from difficulties, though. I was amazed to see a quite unnatural strength within her. She seemed to have goals, aspirations, and dreams. I saw her going to school with a sprained ankle. I was happy for her. She had changed.

She graduated from high school by being in the top 10%.

The next street, rue de adulthood, was rather interesting. She had been pushed to abyss, yet she was rescued. She survived. She revived. When She was about to fall, her friends caught her. She had come in contact with different kinds of people that taught her something - some more than others. She learned to be independent. She learned to cook. She learned to let things go. She experienced a lot of new feelings - new touch, new taste, new smell, etc. She learned how it felt to fall in love. She learned how it felt to have lost everything. She learned how it felt to lose faith and hope. She learned how it felt to be abandoned. She learned how it felt to be successful. She learned who actually was WORTH her time.

She had learned most from those 5 years.

Then we came to a halt. We had ended up at the same place that we started from. We spotted the rock and sat down.

I looked at Her. She did not have the pensive look anymore.

Looking down the street that was not yet paved, 'Yes. I know that I will survive. This will pass as well. I have been through worse. I will be ok.'

I have found me.

Truly a blah!

2008-11-20T22:53:00.003-05:00

I know that something is bothering me when I WANT to write a lot but CAN'T write a word.

I'm going to find myself. See you all when I get back!

MonDAZE

2008-11-17T10:00:00.006-05:00

We should proclaim Mondays as Sabbath and don't do any work on that day. This applies especially for us college students who have to get up mighty early to go to school. UGH. And I will tell you why I'm mking such SELFLESS (as I always am) arguments for just may be even deleting Mondays from the week itself! Well..may be I will just tell you how my day went and you can probably relate to my experience and then agree with me!!

I went to sleep around 10 pm...reading a book. I woke up around 6 pm hearing a rather mundane yet heated conversation between my father and my brother. Needless to say, it was very difficult for me to go back to sleep. Cursing my rather sensitive ears, I tried to go to sleep by imagining (I really tried) some things that usually would put me to sleep (content is classified! Why spoil the rather nice image you guys have built about me!) Any way...I tried to wake up..but did not succeed to actually get up from the bed until 7 am. The rest is just blah blah blah and blah.

I got in the car..leaving for school. Halfway through, I had a speculation that I did not have my phone with me. Mind you, this has happened so many times that I am starting to wonder why I even have a phone!!! Any way....so yeah..I did not have my phone with me. I must have left in my bed (where it has established itself a dwelling place due to increasing contact with the bed!). So I am thinking 'I am going to be 3 hours early to school and I don't know what to do'! And studying is not an option! Pssh! That is solely for the unwise!!

So. I will let you in on a secret that might save your life one day: I don't pay attention to the road when I'm driving. I am either looking through the rearview mirror or doing complex math problems in my head or just thinking about random stuff (one of the above three may not be so true!) I don't exactly know WHAT I was doing..but I passed a RED LIGHT. And it didn't just turn red. It has been red for a good minute. It was an intersection. There were cars taking left turn and before I knew it..I was in the middle of the road!!! I did exactly what any panic driver in my position would do: I sped off like there was a flood chasing me! Then I started beating myself up..and slapping my face! I am sure that the drivers around me had a lot of fun watching me (slapping myself)! I am sure that has nothing to do with many drivers changing lanes..ie., getting out of my way!! They were just being nice!! Oh I should note that this happened right in front of the police station!! My luck!!

I arrived at the train station and the train had arrived just then. It stops for no more than a minute. I have to climb down a flight of stairs to get to the lower level. I know what you are thinking. You may be thinking 'HA. Her legs and her buttocks must have gotten to know the stairs quite well.' I hate to disppoint you. That did not happen..to my surprise. I rushed in to the train and it is fully packed like a private bus in Kerala.

I hate being around a lot of people...because I like my space (not because people smell or there are a lot of homeless people in the train!) So I decided to walk to the end of that particular cart and situate myself in a less crowded area. People must have loved me. Some Indian girl decided to walk to their place and make it crowded....standing as though she owned the place..and reading a book in some foreign (weird word! foreign? huh? *sigh* I tell you..it's because it's Monday!) language..and smiling to herself!! I guess the train was running late...so..irritability was not scarce!

I got off the train. Walked to the library. Decided to text my friend through the internet and waited. I waited and waited. I messaged her on orkut. I messaged two other people and no response!!

So I am stuck here at 10:42 am..waiting for my class (which I have not even been to since God knows when!) to start at 12pm. Well..I guess it is a good thing. The teacher needs to be reminded that I am infact a student in her class!! I really could do without it though!!

Then there's lab at 2pm. :O !! I am committing murder!! (refresh your memory on what I have to put up with!)

See you all in hell in a few years!!

P.S. I chose hanging out with friends over going to class....!! Since going to lab is mandatory, I just had to put up with it. But I did get to dissect a cow's eye (was forced to because everyone else was disgusted by it!)! IT WAS WICKED! :D

Porotta, Chicken, and Mahagony

2008-11-14T12:21:00.001-05:00

Has anyone watched 'Midnight Meat Train'? Gruesome stuff, people. A lot of blood, dismembered bodies, and 'human meat consuming' things! Needless to say, I enjoyed the movie with a COUPLE (meaning may vary) of porottas and chicken curry! I was sucking the juice out of the chicken bone (thigh?) as Mahagony beat his victims with the meat hammer! I tore the porotta apart with my fingers and teeth as the creatures were enjoying human meat!

So..if I have convinced you that I am in fact a psychopath..let's move on....

So..does anyone else have a suggestion about the next "horror" movie that I should watch?!

Some treat......!!! SIGH

2008-11-11T20:08:00.004-05:00

Before I even start..let's just say once more that terrible things happen to good people. The so called 'bad' people seem to have their merry lives together and are enjoying every damn bit to the fullest!

Who is a MAN? When does a BOY become a MAN? When he reaches puberty? After he turns 18? After his first kiss? After his first erection? I DON'T KNOW, people. Shed some light into this and enlighten me!! Oh. wait. I should have asked 'WHEN DO MALES STOP BEING ANIMALS AND BECOME MEN.?' Do they ever?

Why can't these beings even ACT like they have some kind of emotional attachment toward the rest of us? Why can't they stop seeing all women as nothing but an orifice to quench their sexual thirst? Why can't he respect the person who LOVES him? How can he be so sweet to her and then trashes her to his friends? How are they capable of putting this marvelous facade? Doesn't he ever feel a bit guilty that they may be portraying her in a wrongful manner? Does he stop to think that his friends might also be fantasizing about her using the information that he's oh-so-conveniently provided for them and may be even act on those?

Males have penis and testes for a reason. Their strength, assertiveness, aggressiveness, courage, etc. are all attributed to those! Now a day, the men that I come across act like they lack the above organs. That is the SOLE REASON why they are not acting sanely.

What the fuck* is wrong with guys? Is it something in the air?

Who the fuck has the right to tell me that not all men are the same? Show me a freaking GOOD MAN!! Hell. Show me a MAN. A man who can stand up for himself....moreover, for the person who loves him. A man who does not want to keep a relationship secretive. A man who does not feel the need to boast through lying about his sexual encounters. A man who is not afraid of commitment. A man who does not feel the need to play mind games. A man who does not convey mixed feelings. A man who does not take a woman for granted. A man who DOES NOT LIE.

Fuck all those...Just show me a MAN!!!**

I don't expect people to be perfect. But you can't blame me if I expect them to be a bit cordial!

*Excuse the swear words.*

**Yes, I am alrite.*

Blah-sphemy

2008-11-09T22:52:00.003-05:00

No one can make you miserable. No one can make you angry. No one can make you happy. No one can irritate you.................WITHOUT YOUR FREAKING CONSENT!

So..stop bitching and whining!! Get up and put a freaking smile on your damn face and go on about your day!

The people that you are whining about are leading their nonchalant lives and here you are making yourself miserable. It's not worth it, people. When the time comes for you to leave this world for good, you surely do not want to have any regrets!

Let's face it. There are some absolutely clueless people out there. Then there are those who think that they are doing us a favor by acting in their own ways, which is not always the best trajectory to take. And there are some people, who mean well, who clearly don't have the Midas' touch - good luck convincing them otherwise! Also, one can't forget those who are the deliverers of mixed meanings - the worst bunch!! I wonder if they even know what they're thinking! I hate it when people can't be straightforward about their feelings and emotions. We do communicate using LANGUAGES for a reason!!!!

Anyway...

They think that they can take us for granted. They give no regard to you. Then why should you give a rat's tiny ass about them?! People who care about you and love you wouldn't want to make you miserable. They would not hurt you intentionally. They wouldn't want to put you in harm's way!

So..

If you feel that you have those in your lives, you've got some decisions to make.

If you can't cut that person loose. The other option is to change your attitude..for better!!

I wish you a damn good day!

To all the men in the world,
God put the penis in the WRONG sex!!! Your testosterone is failing you miserably!!!

A letter to 'spam'

2008-11-04T23:03:00.003-05:00

Look you,

I don't benefit from 'erectile pills' nor do I have an equipment which needs to be increased in size. No, I am not interested in spending some 'quality' time with a woman, no matter how hot you claim she is.

If you insist, at least send me something that I can relate to - even if it is in a hypothetical manner (endless choices - augmentation surgery, spotless skin treatment, lustful body secrets, etc). I will at least appreciate your effort!!!

2008-11-03T23:25:00.000-05:00

They say that it will only take a minute to fall in love. I don't know about that. It took me 34 minutes and 47 seconds.

new found secret...

2008-11-02T12:16:00.002-05:00

You have less drama and headaches when you don't publicize your romantic relationship/s. As Indians, we think of it as our birthright to know other people's business. At times, it is without our knowledge that we start screwing up other people's lives. So, it is best to keep everything in the down low until you are sure that the relationship has some kind of future!!

Why tempt others?!

2008-10-30T15:51:00.003-04:00

:O Withdrawal period sucks! Whether it is associated with drugs or people!

Those who force me to sin...

2008-10-27T19:25:00.005-04:00

I had my Anatomy and Physiology lab today. It was really cold outside and I really would rather be anywhere except in lab. Less than a month more of whining, and I will be out of there for good. Can't wait.

Have you ever been in a class that you really really REALLY hate and there are additional factors that make you hate the class even more to the point where you feel like plucking the fine hairs from your chin? Pssh. Admit it, you Indians. You know that we are hairy. Read on and may be you can get a gist why I was extremely irate today.

Let me introduce you to the know-it-all, repeater, and the smacker.

The know-it-all is not of rare species. She is repeating the class for she failed to get a decent grade the first time. Let me remind you that 1/8th of the class falls in the same category. Well, I don't know the rest of the 1/8th of the class. But I'll just talk about this particular organism. Our T.A. (Lab instructor aka Teaching Assistant) is Indian. So, of course has an accent - a thick one that is. This girl takes it on herself to make sure that everyone else understands him by CLARIFYING what he says further by adding additional information. I don't want to hear any more than what I want to know - ESPECIALLY in this class. Oh, also this girl starts screaming out answers as the T.A. is asking a question. I mean, let the guy finish his question. Half of the time, she gets the answers wrong. And apparently, she recuperates fast! And then, as the T.A. is teaching, the girl has the audacity to talk to her table-mates. If she were whispering, I can understand that because..I mean..let's face it. The class is boring. But no. She is talking so loud to the point where I feel like I have to chip into her freaking conversation.

I am mouthing 'SHUT [insert swear word here] UP', my table-mate joined me in rolling eyes and showing her frustration in any manner that she could. We even used sign language. I mean. HONESTLY! You are retaking the class. You are showing off your knowledge as though someone in the blessed world is interested. CAN IT, WOMAN!! CAN IT!!! And make it a point to get a decent grade this time. AAH! I strongly believe that the T.A.'s smirk had a lot to do with my non-verbal gestures (to myself) to show my frustration.

Oh. The repeater is a trip. She is the one who makes it a point to repeat every information that the T.A. oh-so-solemnly burdens us with. For example, let's say that the T.A. says something like, "So, the Gluteus meatus lies above the Gluteus maximus." Out of nowhere, you hear this "So, are you saying that the Gluteus meatus lies above the Gluteus maximus."! I'm like 'WHAT THE [insert swear word here]'! The dude barely finished his sentence and out pops the question. Honestly. What?! At times, one really can't help but to wonder if there's a way that you can kick her 'Gluteus maximus' back to Lala land.

Next, the smacker. The most annoying one in the group, probably. Yeah. Fine. Chew gum until Kingdom comes. I don't give a damn. But stop popping and smacking gum IN THE MIDDLE OF THE lecture when everyone is quiet (except the know-it-all, of course) and stop making me leap off my seat! She smacks her gum. Then, within minutes..she does it again...WITHOUT WARNING. And I get a heart attack every time she does it becomes she has graced me with her presence by sitting RIGHT NEXT TO ME. And she has her mouth wide open and she is chewing gum. So, if we are taking a quiz, I can't even hear myself thinking..all I hear is 'njam..njam....POP...POP....njam..njam...'! It is not long before someone glues her mouth shut!! When there are plethora of ways to entertain oneself, she just had to choose this!! This really is asking for murder!

It's called common courtesy or decorum or whatever that you want to call it. Oh. May be even COMMON SENSE. Use it!!!

2008-10-25T23:53:00.003-04:00

So..I've been blogging on a regular basis. That shows that I clearly have a problem - emotional, what else. If you have read at least two of my blogs, that should not come as a surprise to you. Emotional problems do affect our physical well being. I don't know who I should thank for my insomnia. Ok. Fine. I may be exaggerating a bit. It is as though I DON'T WANT to sleep. I am too stubborn to fall asleep. Have you ever been so tired to the point where you think that the sight of bed will put you to sleep? Yes. I have been there, people. Yet, I refuse to sleep. Mind you. You are reading the blog of a person who values sleep so highly that she scolds those who don't get at least 7 hours of sleep.

My brain refuses to let me sleep. My body is turning against itself.

Oye!

Suggestions?

2008-10-24T23:48:00.002-04:00

Six degrees of separation is no B.S., I kid you not. It is rather scary, actually. The internet world just makes me a more realistic human being - that where EVER we go, we cannot escape from our past.

I mean. HONESTLY. How do these people KNOW each other? Goodness gracious!!

2008-10-23T17:54:00.000-04:00

Don’t underestimate the importance AND influence of sleep in your daily activities. I thought that I would be my PEACHY self even though I had only gotten less than 4 hours of sleep. Boy! Was I wrong!!

* It took me 2 hours to complete an essay that would have taken me less than an hour.
* Had an argument with a friend that would have gotten ugly if she hadn’t had the sense to put a cork on it. It was over the fact that I decided to overlook the fact that the cafeteria lady overcharged me 80 cents.
* Became EXTREMELY annoyed after reading a mail. It should be noted that I definitely overlooked an important point which was my mistake – and I got annoyed because I did not see that specific point that was clearly in BOLD!!
* Failed to see the obvious humor (which was definitely targeted at me). I usually would laugh it off. But NOT TODAY!
* Irate due to : “Blogger is currently unavailable
Blogger is unavailable right now. We apologize for this interruption in service.”

I want to scream until my vocal cords fail!!!

Lesson learned : Don’t interact with people when you have gotten less than 4 hours of sleep.

Expectations?

2008-10-20T00:28:00.002-04:00

A friend once told me that I will be disappointed when I expect, especially in relationships. He said that when you have no expectation, you are rarely disappointed. I gave it a lot of thought. I tried to relate that to my relationships with people. And to my surprise, I found myself agreeing with the guy. It is ONLY when I expect something from others that I am disappointed.

Then again, even if you don't expect anything from a relationship...you must be understanding of each other's feelings, though. One must think "Am I being a good friend by fulfilling my duties as a friend?"! What is a relationship if it does not have some common grounds about courtesy, maturity, affection, kindness, etc.?

Is it really worth it to constantly shed tears over something that you THINK is meaningful? Is it really worth it to hold on to something that you question often? What purpose does it serve to know how important you are to the other person? Is it normal to have doubts?

May be..just may be...it might be time to let go!

2008-10-17T23:33:00.001-04:00

Shaadi.com -> BEST entertainment site EVER!

Traitor..

2008-10-12T17:13:00.003-04:00

It seems as though the sexiest body in the universe (mine-without a doubt)is failing me. I ran more than 2 miles last sunday and have been idle since. It was on Monday that I sensed this throbbing pain in my right side. Nevertheless, I waved it off because..well..I don't know. I just did not give it much of a thought.

Come today, as I was exercising, running in full speed....there it is. The pain again. It almost paralyzed me. I fell to the floor and was blinded with pain.

10 minutes. That's all it took.

Is this my body's way of rebelling against me? Has it no conscience whatsoever? Why wouldn't it let me be a better person (a skinnier one, err...a healthy one, I mean)?

That's it. It's time to deprive my body of some scrumptious food. I'm turning vegetarian. No room for negotiation.

Ha! Who's the boss now!!!

My pet peeve...

2008-10-11T22:51:00.002-04:00

I hate it when people don't return calls.

13 Questions

2008-10-03T00:12:00.001-04:00

Am I frustrated that people claim to know me, when they really have no clue? Who am I? What am I? When I, myself, am trying to find answers to those questions; why do people need to tell me that they KNOW me? Why does it bother and disappoint me that no one really knows me? Don’t I give people ample opportunities to get to know me? Why can’t people figure me out as I figure them out?

My God who rescues me from the trivial and critical matters is bailing out on me. Is this something that I have to fight (and get over) myself? Will I not be receiving any aid from my Lord? I can’t do this myself. I have become so weak. My body seems to be weakening my mind. My tears serve no purpose?

How long will this go on? I am afraid that this will consume me. I am so lost. I cannot think of my next move. I am so lost. After a lot of consideration, when I finally make a move, why do I feel as though I’m being impetuous and immature? I am so lost.

I don’t know how and what to overlook. I don’t know where my life is headed. I don’t know how much more time I have.

I will survive this. This is a small chapter in my life. I will come out of this trial as a stronger person. My only prayer is that I can endure this. I am pretty sure that I have been created to serve a purpose in this world. So, I will survive this. I will.

This will pass. This must!

One question: How many more, Lord?

2008-10-02T22:05:00.002-04:00

Glorious monday afternnon, wasted inside an Anatomy and Physiology lab.

10+ students were waiting outside the classroom since our TA (Teaching Assistant) was late to class AGAIN. It seems to be a habit of his to be tardy and every single time he happens to have an excuse. He holds the access code for the classroom. Wonder if his tardiness is quite intentional! Hmm!! Did I mention that he is Indian? No surprise, there! Clearly, he follows the Indian Stretchable Time. No offense, people! You people know what I'm talking about!!

I decided to switch on my MP3 player to drown the chattering. When I realized that the girls were talking about the content of a potential quiz, I decided to turn off my MP3 player and give them my undivided attention. If you think that that is a sign that I'm one of 'em studious kids, ohh..bless your heart! Anyway, after one girl clues us in about the quiz questions (which of course she heard from her friend who's taken the quiz already - Violation of Honor Code! Ugh!), I was about to turn my MP3 back on since I had no interest in petty gossip.

Lo and behold I heard the magic words 'FOX' and 'HOUSE'! For those of you who have no clue of what I'm hinting at, House is THE BEST show on TV today. It's mainly concentrated on this sarcastic, insensitive, arrogant, condescending yet BRILLIANT doctor who saves patients' lives in his own way. My vocabulary is not extensive enough to describe how amazing this show is. Oye!!! This is SO not my point! So anyway, as an ardent fan..I never miss the show nor do I ignore a talk about it..!

So..this is kind of how the talk went:

Blondie # 1: I can never miss House.
Blondie # 2: Yeah...me neither
B# 1: I am so glad that the vice presidential debate is not on Tuesday. If it were, I would totally be upset.
B # 2: Ugh..tell me about it. I say that they should not even air it! Frankly, I would rather watch my favorite shows rather than watching these debates.
B # 1: I know...!!

Ok!! Well...that's the gist of the conversation!!

I really don't have much interest in politics. Frankly, my knowledge is very limited in that area and I tend to be a bit confused when these so called experts start talking about energy issues and wars and financial situations and all. I'm quite apathetic about a myrias of issues as well. Nevertheless, I do pay attention to certain things...as you will see below...

I really do believe that this is one of the worst situation America has faced in decades. The economy has been down the drain. People are freaking out about anything that has the word 'financial' attached to it. This being the election year, the choice of the American people is extremely crucial. The future of the country lies in the hands of the one who will be taking over it.

I am a prospective medical student. I am literally in the verge of tears because I cannot find a blessed bank to get loans. I can't find a way to finance my education, people. I am utterly lost. What choice do I have?

About the 700 billion bail out plan. What are the consequences of that? Who will have to pay for it, ultimately?

There will be absolutely NO SOCIAL SECURITY PLAN for us 40+ years from now. As we are working, we will be paying the bills of SOMEONE ELSE. Where is our future headed? Will our lives be secured?

Now. I don't have much interest in politics. But I darn sure do have an interest in my future. I would like to know the repercussions of the actions of MY GOVERNMENT.

You are sitting there telling your good ol' buddies that you have no INTEREST in the debate? The debate, where the candidates will address their plans and strategies in running our country and of the future of our country! You are telling me that you have no interest in this?

Pity!

Sigh

2008-09-28T22:04:00.003-04:00

How can one get a 76% on a Critical Thinking test while getting a 92% on a Microbiology and Public Health exam?

Should I be concerned?

the story of 'one'

2008-09-22T22:58:00.002-04:00

I like communication and communicating - blame my Psychology degree. I believe that almost all petty (and some dramatic as well as serious) arguments/problems can be solved solely by talking about them - hearing and acknowledging both sides of the story, listening, etc. [Listening and hearing are not the same, as you know.]

Anyway..

Whether it is confessing true feelings of love, infatuation, hatred, envy, jealousy, or just being brutally honest, the presenter/confessor has the right to know the audience's reactions. It is expected, correct? I don't think that it is fair to the 'presentee' (inventing new words, yeah..I KNOW) or the presenter to ignore the issue on the table. One builds up a lot of courage to be honest and it is an insult to not react to that. By not reacting, is the 'presentee' showing no respect for the presenter's emotions and feelings? One may feel relieved that there were no negative feedback and such feeling is quite ephemeral. Before One knows it, the tension arises and one is back in square one. One would like to move on and even tries to move on...but fails miserably.

'One' would like to be reassured that DENIAL is not a river in Egypt. One would like to break off all restraints.....................right about now.

Did you FIND the irony?!

Clue: One likes to communicate!

*Sigh*

Story of One's life!

2008-09-20T18:37:00.000-04:00

Some lives we have...! Ha!

It's absolutely HILARIOUS when we take a step back and look at ourselves and the lives we lead and the people that are involved in our lives...really..it is HILARIOUS!!

We are just left to wonder....we are just left to wonder the reasons behind certain events or why certain people make us feel so miserable.

It sucks!! IT SUCKS!

It sucks that we have no control on our effin' lives and our effin' emotions!

We just have to move on!!

I wish that I could just take some testosterone and MAN UP!!

Persistance? Yeah..whatever!

2008-09-18T23:33:00.002-04:00

I can run 1 WHOLE MILE (that's ONE MILE) non-stop on a treadmill at a speed of 4.0 to 4.2 miles per hour. So, that means that I can run ONE MILE in 15 MINUTES. Go me!!

It is sad that the above is the only thought that can cheer me up when I'm blue. Is it really an accomplishment or am I just fooling myself?

My goal is to run 4 miles a day. I should probably take a break after 30 mins, though.

I have been up since 2.30am last night and it is 11.40pm now (There goes my valuable neurons). Why can't I sleep? I realized that I'm extremely irritable and have headaches when I'm sleep deprived.

I make no sense.

I have to find innovative ways to fall asleep.

Ciao!

Not again..

2008-09-10T21:37:00.002-04:00

Are you just sick and tired of seeing your friends and cousins and relatives getting married left and right?! Are you not able to cope with the idea that you have to be a bit cautious around the person that you've been friends with years because he is getting married? Do you secretly don't want him to get married so you don't have to picture that one person who is coming in between you? Do these people indirectly (some may even be oblivious to this) imply that you may not be as YOUNG as you think you are?

Welcome to MY LIFE!!

The Road Not Taken

2008-08-29T21:52:00.004-04:00

It's not only until AFTER you do something that you realize that you MIGHT have made a big mistake. Sadly, you can't go back in time and rectify those 'mistakes'. Then you are left to wonder how things would have turned out if you hadn't done what you had done.

Questions..questions..questions...

One minute, everything was smooth. The next minute, you are uncertain about even the simplest of things.

"TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth."
- Robert Frost 'The Road Not Taken'

Frost, man...I couldn't have said it better!!

It is when you make life changing decisions that you start questioning every single damn emotions and feelings of yours. Why? Because you don't want to make the same mistake again.

God Help me!

My advice to myself: FOLLOW YOUR HEART

My heart is giving me wrong directions.

2008-08-17T18:44:00.002-04:00

No one else seems to be available. So I will just vent here. You guys have always had intelligent retorts to even my not-so-intelligent posts.

Ever since I was young, I wanted to be a doctor (Cliche'..I know! Can't help it.) I'm not sure if I've always worked hard to achieve that goal. But recently, I have been working hard. I guess you can say that it has paid off (I'm still not convinced!). Cutting the long story short, I got into medical school. Now to the difficult part...

I'm not second guessing myself. I'm not sure if I actually will succeed in medical school (given the difficult curriculum). Worse yet, I wonder if I can be a good doctor.

Am I getting cold feet?

Is this something normal??

Normal or not..I hate it!!

2008-08-09T22:27:00.002-04:00

Why do women have to complicate everything??

Why can't men stop playing mind-games?

Why in the world did Eve share the damn apple?

2008-08-07T21:03:00.002-04:00

Man!

So I just realized that I really could feel more 'low' than dirt!! :|

Ah!!!!

2008-07-26T22:31:00.002-04:00

When did men start using reverse Psychology on women?

Why the hell wasn't I made aware of this in advance?

May be I'm just another 'over looker'!

2008-07-19T10:14:00.002-04:00

Plot: Biochemistry Classroom
Scene: Another beautiful day spent inside with 150 other students!

Indian guy: We might have a quiz today. Meh! I don't feel like studying.
Indian girl: YOU BETTER STUDY because I NEED THOSE POINTS.

I've no comments whatsoever on this!! I was speechless!!

2008-07-13T21:27:00.002-04:00

I bear good news!!!!

I've been convinced (by myself) that it is perfectly OK to be confused and that everyone is confused!!

So..from now on, you can't use that as an excuse!!! It's a normal thing...you blend in very well!!

Hope

2008-07-03T20:06:00.002-04:00

When the odds are against you, you keep going.
When you can think of 99 reasons to not do it, you think of 1 reason to do it.
When you are told that you can't, someone else tells you that you can.

Hope.

That's something NO ONE can take away from you!!

2008-06-29T13:18:00.002-04:00

Someone royally screwed me over 2 yrs ago. The person refused to even talk about the problem. Kind of abandoned me to rot!!! Ignored me!! Never contacted me since!!

Two years later, YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW THE F*** I'M DOING? YOU TELL OTHERS THAT I'M A NICE PERSON? YOU ASK MY FRIENDS ABOUT ME?????

HOW DARE YOU!!!

Can you give me back more than half a year of happiness that I failed to experience? Do you have answers to the hundreds of questions that I asked myself???

You humiliated me. You degraded my self esteem. You made me feel like the scum of the earth!!

YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW I AM DOING NOW THAT IVE GOTTEN MY LIFE TOGETHER??!!

The Truman Show?

2008-06-25T23:01:00.002-04:00

Do you ever feel as though your life may be another Truman show?

wise words!!!!

2008-06-23T19:49:00.001-04:00

You will only be confused if you let yourself be confused!

back on square one!

2008-06-21T21:02:00.005-04:00

Ok! By now..everyone knows what Desavathaaram lacked. Regardless, I'll post a list of the things that were so apparent that I couldn't look past them.
- Weird/bad story line
- Bad graphics
- Lack of authencity of most of the characters
- The make up really did steal the emotions out of some of the characters.
- Too much of Kamal Hassan
- The ticket was 17 bucks per person!!! IT WASN'T WORTH WATCHING SUCH A MOVIE!!! One day..I'll make Kamal Hassan pay for it!!!

Anyhow....

Do you know what's the worst state to be in? VULNERABILITY. When you're vulnerable, you become restless. When you're restless, you can't stop being paranoid. When you are paranoid, your thoughts will be occluded. When your thoughts are occluded, you will not be able to see the bigger picture. When you don't see the bigger picture (and the other side of the coin), you will become depressed!! I think I'm right at the vulnerable part......lost....not wanting to be restless!!!!!!!

Is it possible to just ignore your feelings??!?!?! I'm a walking time bomb...ANY TIME NOW!!! ANY TIME!!!!!!!

I saw Sex and the City today. What a predictable ending!! Everyone's happy at the end. Is that life? May be it depends on your perspectives and attitudes!!!

To the male species..

2008-06-17T21:42:00.005-04:00

Don't ask me why I wrote it. I just did. Just something random!

*The following is based on the assumption that you two are attracted to each other and kind of sort of are aware of it.*

1. If you are wondering if she thinks about you, don't wonder anymore. She does!
2. She likes to feel that she is special. You don't have to TELL HER that she is special directly. When she says something that sets her apart, don't say 'oh..everyone's like that'! Bummer!!!!!!
3. Some women are clingy. Some are not. I'll talk about the latter because the former needs WAY more attention. It wouldn't hurt if you call her once a day. It's all about reassurance. You don't want to leave her hanging.
4. She likes to know that she is appreciated and wanted. If you are going to take her for granted, I can only say that you might regret doing so.
5. If you have something to tell her, don't let your ego get in between. Women are not PSYCHIC. So..THEY WILL ASSUME....trust me, then can be quite creative with it as well. (This is for those guys who ''just sees her as a friend, THAT'S IT''!!!!!!)
6. Believe it or not, we do prefer honesty.
7. Most women get a tad bit (if not tremendously) jealous when you speak of another woman in high regards. Oh wait..I think that's called insecurity. :D In my case, it is quite ephemeral (lasting only a couple of seconds. :D)
8. Don't impose. Don't ask her to conform. Like the person for who she is not what you want her to be.
9. Most women are insecure about their body. Choose your words carefully in this topic.
10. If a woman wants something, the chances are that she will repeat it (at least once more). Repetition means 'register that in your head'!
11. I think that it's the THOUGHT that counts when it comes to 'gifts'! The fact that you remembered an important date is good enough. At least that's the case with me!
12. Use humor!!! Spontaneous humor is well appreciated among my species.
13. Show that you care!!!
14. Women are attention seekers. They try to get attention from you and your friends and your neighbors.
15. Women wants security. And they seek it. Even if you think that she is being silly, please don't say so.
16. Women like sensitive men (not those who cry at every sight of a beggar). They like guys who they can relate to.
17. For some reason, a lot of my friends prefer quiet guys. I don't!! He must be laidback though. When a guy is uptight, there is no room for much flexibility!!
18. Did I mention humor sense? Yeah..I'll mention it again!
19. She must have thought so far into the future (with you) than you can imagine!
20. Her day gets a 1000 times better by your presence or your voice!!
21. She WILL talk (if not brag) to her friends about you.
22. Females love surprises.

You see..women are not that difficult to understand. In fact, they let you know what they want, how they want it, where they want, and why they want - in subliminal messages or codes. You just have to have to listen to her when she talks!!!

Looks vs. Talent!

2008-06-15T17:32:00.000-04:00

Aishwarya Rai (Bachan) is a beautiful woman (beautiful eyes and a hot body).
She is a very good dancer.

But she SUCKS as an actress. You'd think that a person who's had so much classical dance experience (as she claims) would be a better actress!!

It's about time people look past her looks!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!! YEAH RIGHT! Like that would ever happen!!

It's friday!! And it's the 13th!!

2008-06-13T10:01:00.000-04:00

It's FRIDAY, the 13th!!!

Is this another day for you..or do you have any clairvoyance ideas associated with it?!?!

I think that it's just another day. But if you dare me to go outside ALONE at 12:55am, I might just fake a seizure! That doesn't go for this night...it's for any night!!!!

My answers to some simple questions!

2008-06-10T21:39:00.000-04:00

*A couple of questions that I thought of and my answers to them.*

Do you know why people compare themselves to others?
Because..those who compare are suffering from inferiority complex.

Do you know the reason behind most fights/arguments/encounters?
It is our stubborness - we refuse to forgive others, we refuse to let things go, we refuse to be mature.

Do you know why we find ourselves thinking about the person that we try so hard to forget?
Because we secretly want to think about that person. We feel guilty about thinking about that person...yes...but we can't help it!! You still have feelings for him or her!!

Do I believe that most people are attention seekers?
Yes I do!! It may not be a bad thing. Our ego might get in the way when it comes to asking a person to listen to you as you are trying to unload something from your mind. So..what do u do? You think of other ways to relieve your pain! I'm not going to give examples!!!

Do I think that a female and male can be friends without either of them feeling anything MORE than friendship toward the other?
Yes, I do! I am not denying that people can at times WONDER how things would be if they hook up. Regardless, I think it is very possible to just be friends. Doubts? Ask me!!

Why do we think that we are not able to figure those 'special' people in our lives..?
Because when trying to figure them out, we make things complicated. We overanalyze and we think too deep. We are setting them apart because..well..because they are special. When they are special, they are different..they are unique. The 'uniqueness' is associated with mystery... when these people are not even enigmatic! HAHAAH! Please...they're just humans. How complicated can they be?? I think that our subconscious mind secretly want us to think of them as mysteries..because...it's adventurous!!

What do you think of those people who think to themselves (and let others know) that they're better than others?
I think that they're suffering from inferiority complex as well!! Most of the time, it's a facade!Have a person who has a stronger personality encounter them...you'll see how they fall apart.

Is one female threatened by the presence of another female?
Depends on the situation. But if the first female is used to receiving all the attention, yes she will feel that way! Then again, women and their comparisons can lead them to abyss! :D

Do you believe that there is a reason behind everything?
Yes I do. Yes there is!

Do you believe that most of us spend so much time trying to please others?
Unfortunately, I do. Our ultimate goal is to make ourselves happy by doing so. Mind you, this is not philanthropist act. Au contraire, we are just being selfish.

Why do women cry more often than men?
This question doesn't mean that women are more sensitive than men. This doesn't mean that women feel something more than men. Now..to answer the question: 1. Blame the society 2. Testosterone!

*Oye...oye*

Today's statement: You hear what you want to hear!!!

50th post - RANDOM!!

2008-06-07T21:21:00.000-04:00

Why are women so paranoid? Why are women so overdramatic?

Why can't they handle an issue without saying 'yeah ok..it's me who's the problem..you're all perfect.. fine..ill just leave the picture so you can be happy...i can't ever be a better person..blah blah blah'!! HONESTLY..GET OVER IT!!! Start having a bit of respect for yourself and STAND UP FOR YOURSELF, DAMN IT! Why the hell do women portray this inferiority complex over and over...?????? Why the hell do women appear SO WEAK and SO FEEBLE and SO HELPLESS when they're encountered by someone?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!

Someone..please help me? Are they trying to make the other person guilty by doing so? Yeah may be they are. But why can't they see that it's just irritating the other person by doing so? OYE!!!

Am I unable to comprehend this phenomena because I happen to have quite a bit of an ego?!

*******************************

You know what play-hard-too-get is? Yeah..don't ever try it!!! If you don't know what regret is, you'll learn once you do 'play' it!!

Coincidentally, this happens to be a TOTAL CRAP of a post just like Sunil 's [even though his post wasn't crap. Who knows what kind of trouble I'll be getting myself into.]

Tag IT !!!!!

2008-06-06T13:59:00.000-04:00

6 Whatevers About Me:

* My upper arm and lower arm aren't proportional (for both arms).
* I get irritated when people chew loudly and I don't like the gulping sound when someone's swallowing liquid.
* I love food.
* I don't care about receiving gifts - it's the thought that counts. I'm easily pleased.
* I am extremely patient.
* I am easily bored.

5 Things I miss in my life right now:

* I miss spending time with my friends.
* I miss cooking by putting random stuff in the frying pan and tasting the delicious outcome.
* I miss eating all the Chinese, Vietnamese, and Korean cuisines.
* I miss taking random walks by the river.
* I miss living life so carefree.

10 Things I wanna achieve within a decade:

* Get married (and stay married) [Have a traditional Orthodox Christian wedding]
* Have children
* Have a career
* Travel to AT LEAST 5 countries in different continents (France, Egypt, Korea, England, Singapore are in the list).
* Be fluent in a couple of languages (preferably Spanish, Tamil, and Hindi)
* Have a publication in a magazine
* Learn to cook [or MASTER the culinary arts]
* Buy a house [with my husband]
* Learn to fold a sari neatly
* Learn how to iron a shirt properly

The Book Tag
// Pick up the nearest book.Open to page 123.Find the fifth sentence.Post the next three sentences.

"A third class of reflexes, categorized under the nondescript term other, seems to have only vestigial meaning. In other words, phenomena like the palmer grasp, Babinksi toe fanning, and Moro response may have been important at an earlier point in human history but continue now without obvious meaning. For example, the Moro reflex is the tendency to swing the arms wide and bring them together agin in the midline (as if around the body of a cargiver)."
- Development in Infacy, An Introduction 4th ed.
by Michael Lamb, Marc Bornstein, Douglas Teti
[In other words, my 'Infancy' class textbook. Don't ask me why I read it today. That's the first book that I noticed as I was contemplating on reading something]

Tag five people, and acknowledge the person who tagged you.//
Sunil - The tagger!!

I'm not tagging anyone. :D Feel free to steal if you wish to do so!

Sivaji, The Boss

2008-06-03T15:19:00.000-04:00

Ok! I had to overlook the fact that a human can't possibly eat that many peppers and still smile for a good minute (without drinking water and not crying). I had to overlook the fact that a guitar will be torn to pieces when someone's hit by it. I had to overlook the fact that a drum can't possibly hold a 65+ kg man on top of it WHILE in a stunt. I had to overlook the fact that there's no way that a person can have an impeccable aim from a 10 storey building and have a coin land on the forehead of a person lying below. I had to overlook the fact that Sivaji's credicard only had 12 numbers. I had to ignore the fact that Sivaji was ambidextrous (for various reasons). But I just COULDN'T get over the CPR scene that was behind the revival of Sivaji!!

I have never seen a Rajinikanth movie before. I had always wondered what the whole fuss about him is. I got the answer today!! I understand, people. I understand why he has the entire Tamil nadu as his ardent fan! Look at the guy. He's 60+ years old and he is one hell of an actor!

Now to the movie:

Plot was quite a stretch. You have to ignore some things, you have to look beyond certain others, and you definitely have to put gravity aside. The movie speaks the story of a person who WANTS to do good for the society and actually DOES something too - that's the moral of the story; that's the underlying theme of the movie! I loved that! Oh yeah..I love how tamil movies make a

I think I liked the movie because there was a fine balance between humor and action. The song 'Athiradee' IS HOT!!! Oh my gosh..A.R.Rahman is the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Loved these dialogues:

"chinna pasangaa paakkom pogumsivajikkitta venda GO GO
six-kku appuram seven dasivajikkappuram evan da" - I THINK that I got the words right..! But yeah..I got the idea though!!

'brainikkonnum aakayille?' - haha..! This dialogue of Cochin Haneef was hilarious!!!!!!

Bachelor of Social Service! - :D

'full mealsaiy koduckkuaarango' - Vivek is hilarious!!!

'I like it...
Ethuka?
Unga...Ootthapallu' - :D

As a person who's never seen a Rajini movie before; as a person who has never completely seen a tamil movie before...I've got to say..I'm impressed! :D I never thought that I could see a balance between humor and action! :D

Thalaivar Vazhga!!!

It's for the best....

2008-06-02T21:57:00.000-04:00

I call and call. I leave voice messages (telling you that I'm sorry - I don't even know if a sorry was necessary). I call and call. I leave voice messages (telling you to call back).

You don't call back.

I think I'm past the 'anger phase'. I think that I'm past the 'bitter phase'.

Do I want to call again? Or should I just convince myself that it really isn't worth it and that I should move on?

I don't want to be desperate.

You know what love is? Love is sacrifice. Love is letting go of someone because you know that it's best for him (or her)!!!

I don't have time to worry about this. I'm glad that I recuperate quick!!!

What is....what is not...!

2008-05-29T22:27:00.000-04:00

What is Morality?

Scenario I: Seeing his impoverished family situation (bed-ridden parents, handicapped sisters), a teenage boy steals a loaf of bread from the convenient store and gets caught.

Scenario II: Just for the sake of having fun, a pompous, rich teenage girl steals a gold necklace from the jewellery store and puts it in her Prada bag and gets caught.

What is Crime?

Scenario I: Hearing his daugher's screams, a father dashes in to the house seeing his neighbor about to rape his daughter. He picks up the axe and kills the neighbor on the spot. He's arrested.

Scenario II: Wanting to erase his wife from the picture and get her insurance money, a husband hires a killer to kill his wife. The husband is arrested.

The law is fair. The loopholes and the executors of the law are not fair. Guess who will be punished????? So tell me..what is morality? What is crime?? Would you believe if I say that these are not hypothetical situations??

What have we become?

A husband and a wife were struck by a truck on the way to their relatives' house. The truck drove away without stopping. The wife, covered in blood, became unconscious. She suffered serious wounds. The husband who was still conscious crawled to his wife and put her head on his lap. He cried to the onlookers for help. No one moved to help him. Many buses and trucks went by, without stopping. The husband kept that same position for over an hour until his wife died in his arms.

You think that you would have stopped and helped him?? You might say yes...but you'll be surprised by how you may react on the spot!!!!! This happened in Kerala not so long ago!

XXXuality

2008-05-28T14:46:00.000-04:00

Some people never question their sexuality.
Others do, at times.
Then there are those who question their sexuality, more often than a human should.

I am not going to categorize myself..because..I don't like to adhere to rules (who am I kidding. But let's just go with the flow here..eh). When my darling friend told me about a 'how gay are you' site, I had to check it out.

So this is my result:

You are 46% gay. Youscored right in the middle and are a happy and well adjusted hetero babe.

Well-adjusted.........yeah OK!!!!!

Does this mean that I'm only 54% STRAIGHT?? Should I be concerned?

In love......?????!?!?!

2008-05-25T22:17:00.000-04:00

If you know that you've been in love, if you have been in love, if you think you know how it feels to be in love..

TELL ME.....

How exactly do you feel (the emotion and also about the other person) when you are in love?

Would you agree that there's a fine line between infatuation and attraction and 'likeness'!

Exposed...

2008-05-23T22:12:00.000-04:00

Back in India, when I was naive and ignorant about the ..emmm....about everything...I used to wonder why the girls always ran away from the guy in a song scene. You'd see them dancing together, then the guy try to get to the girl...he'll stretch out his hand..and BOOM!! there she jets off!!!!! I used to leave the room when a sanitary napkin advertisement came on. I used to look behind me as though someone was calling me when a guy and a girl got within 2 inches of each other and looked into each other's eyes with passion (?).

When I came to America (8 and a half yrs ago), I couldn't really get out of the classroom when a sex scene was on tv, when an animal was giving birth, when two people were getting on each other, etc. Yes, I've seen all those with in the first year that I was here. You know what I used to do? I used to bow my head and look up every 15 seconds to make sure that it's SAFE. Most of the time, it wasn't!!!!

Today, in a span of one hour..I saw two women making out, a guy and a woman having sex, a woman in a PRETTY revealing bikini, a woman half-naked, a guy in an underwear dancing, and so on. (I was watching 'abc'. Heck!!! We don't even have cable) It's quite interesting to see what I've been habituated to in a span of 8 and a half years.

I used to be embarassed at watching even a kissing scene infront of my (nonchalant) classmates. Now, I feel the same nonchalance as I'm watching the above with my brother in the same room. I'm thinking "He's seen worse. I've seen worse."

When my fellow Indians criticize a woman who's wearing a top equivalent to a bra and a revealing bottom, I'm thinking..."Pssh..I've seen worse."

I don't know who to blame! I don't know if I should really blame anyone!! :D

Now and Then

2008-05-21T16:08:00.000-04:00

*THEN*

He said: I love you
I said: Oh? I don't know what to say
He said: Well...how do you feel about me?
I said: Well..I....emm..

**************************************

*LATER*

He said: Merin....have you thought about what I'd said?
I said: You know..I had told you everything, eh? You're putting me in a difficult position!
He said: I know..I'm sorry. I think that I'll regret it if I don't confess my emotions.
I said: Hmm....

**************************************

*TODAY*

He said: So you have decided on what to do?
I said: No
He said: I think that you're making a big mistake .
I said: May be
He said: He will break your heart. How long are you going to wait?
I said: I don't know
He said: I want the best for you, Merin. I'm always here for you.

**************************************

How...and how..and how..

2008-05-20T17:01:00.001-04:00

How do you react to the recurring statements that you're a disappointment to everyone around you? How do you feel when you're told that you are the cause of the tension and agony of your loved ones? How do you feel when someone bluntly states that you are a failure?

How do you see yourself when you are told that you can't be any better??

Should you ignore these statements? Should you tell yourself that you should give up on all your dreams?

My reaction (to my mom): a drop of tear!!

Continuing to live a lie....

2008-05-19T23:47:00.000-04:00

I was well aware of how I had performed. :D

That smiley is definitely deceiving and I'm in denial!

*sigh*

I'll survive!!

The deciding factor.........grrr!!

2008-05-18T18:02:00.000-04:00

I'm waiting for the results to come out on Tuesday. The result of what...is a trivial issue. Well.. that result will determine my entire life. It is going to solely decide where I'll be in 4 years. It will basically write out my future.

I'm scared to death. I gave the best shot and shouldn't worry about it now. Especially not now since the result will be known in a couple of days. Yet..I don't think that many of us can be so aloof about life changing tests!!

In a way, I don't want to get the result because I don't want to see how horrible I did. At the same time, I want to get the result because I want to put months and months of agony behind me!!

Sigh!!!

The Machines Are Quiet Now

2008-05-15T10:33:00.000-04:00

*I just felt like posting this again.*

Driving at night on the luminous strange (yet familiar) roads made her reminiscent those days when she wasn't so alone. She could almost feel him sitting next to her. It's been a while since she's had that kind of security. She wanted him back. She wished those glorious days had never ended. The void in her life aggrandized as time went by. She wished she had tried to stop him from leaving. She wished she had told him how she felt about him. She longed for his presence. Tears rolled down as she regretted every fight that were initiated by her. If he were next to her, she would ask forgiveness for everything. She would fight for him. He was the only man in her life who cared so much about her. He was with her every step of the way as she was recuperating.

And he was gone. Just like that. And she just sat here and watched. She started becoming furious at herself as she thought more and more about him. The car picked up speed. It was going 80 miles per hour as opposed to 40mph (as she was driving 5 minutes ago). Her senses became occluded. She was not noticing the road anymore. Unawarely, she made turns. She ran red lights. She was not aware of the honks and blinking lights that indicated that she was going the wrong way on a high way. It was not until she was blinded by a beam of light that she noticed the truck that was coming straight at her. Before she could make a move, everything went black.

She woke up. Everything was hurting. Everything was blurry. Few moments passed by before her vision was lucid. She saw people in blue with masks over their mouth working frantically on her bloody body. What is with all the plunging? The machines in the rooms were going haywire. She looked to her side and there he was. He was smiling. He smile was always so soothing. She became ecstatic. He had forgiven her. He loved her, after all. This time she is not going to let him leave..by himself. She is going to join him, she decided. She saw that the people that were working on her were more frantic now. She thought it was funny. Nobody is going to stop her from joining him. Not now. He held his hand out. Without hesitation, she put her soft arms on his hand. She felt a sudden thrill. At last, they are together again. Now, she was standing with him over looking the dozens of people. Finally, they had calmed down. They were leaving, one by one. Good. It was just her and him now..and the machines.

The machines are quiet now.

A movie please!!!!

2008-05-14T09:32:00.000-04:00

Ok people. I'm on a journey....! Well..no..not really! I just want to learn tamil (along with arabic, urdu, and french)! Well..the first priority goes to tamil. So suggest some tamil movies so I can waste some time wisely.

The kind of tamil movies that I like:

- Funny
- Something that has a moral to it
- NOT action
- Romantic is ok as long as it is not one where the guy is trying to get a girl and she is socially and economically superior and blah blah and blah. Or the one where the girl ignores the guy at first and then something stupid (drastic) happens and they fall in love! *yuck*
- I don't mind 90's movies..but please..let it be something that I can relate to!

Hindi movies are also welcome. But spare those that are with minimal clothing and too much booty shaking!!

Perpetual....

2008-05-12T18:00:00.000-04:00

So I'm contemplating and pondering....over the most unimportant deal in my life now (I had to make it unimportant because it is not one of my priorities at the moment).

For the past couple of months, I've been bombarded with academics that I barely had time to think about anything. Now that I have almost a month of vacation, these crazy thoughts are working their little butt into my mind. So I'm thinking "Am I in denial or Is my mind the devil's workshop?"

Have you ever left a conversation being absolutely confused about what that person means to you?

Yeah..that's not something you want to feel..especially if it keeps you awake at night!

I'm a malayalee..

2008-05-10T09:45:00.000-04:00

So I told a friend that 'Bhool Bhulaiyaa' is a remake of a malayalam movie. And he said 'OH YEAH...with the legendary Rajnikanth'! My heart just broke!! Is NO ONE aware of the classic movie 'Manichitrathazhu' with Mohanlal? Oye!! We really are under represented..aren't we?

Yes, the malayalam version was the best. The hindi version was almost an exact copy of the malayalam (what else do you expect from Priyadarshan!) which lacked something important.. so the movie was not that entertaining. I love Akshay's acting though. The tamil was absolutely pathetic. The director even managed to copy a scene from the 90's malayalam movie 'Aaram Thampuran'! The telugu version was...well..you all know how horrible it was!!!

MY NOSE, damn it!!!!!

2008-05-08T17:48:00.000-04:00

What is up with guys spraying body spray, deodorant, and whatever else..before they leave the house...leaving my nose hypersensitive to almost every other scent in the world!?!?!?!?!?!?! Yes..I'm talking about my brother !! Don't get me wrong..it's a nice smell..but EASE UP...!! Oh my brother's answer to my painful look 'I don't wanna smell like curry'!! He took a shower less than 4 minutes ago..he came straight to this room after getting dressed. He's not even passing by the kitchen as he leaves home...I don't get it!! I think it's a guy thing!!

Yes...a guy who smells good is a turn on! A guy who is a walking 'perfume' shop is NOT!!!

May be I'm overreacting because my Victoria's Secret body spray is not as strong as his AXE!!

I have decided not to post my daily workout/intake plan anymore. I shall blow myself away and surprise myself by posting the final product of my hard work and dedication!!

Day 2 of Forever^Infinity

2008-05-07T21:38:00.000-04:00

Intake

Breakfast: An orange and a bowl of cereal
Snack: An orange
Lunch: DELICIOUS noodles (with my contribution of spices, garlic, and an egg). I 'fried' the noodles...ohhh sooooo good!!
Snack: 1/4th of a pear
Dinner: AT LEAST 8 'biscuits' with chicken salad! OHH..yumm!!

Workout
Time: 31:00minutes
Activity: Ran/walked
Calories burned: 235
Miles: 1.4

Have you ever wonder why bad things happen to good people? My parents are one of the greatest people out there. I don't say that because they're my parents. Their actions are so philanthropic and I'm extremely proud and honored to be their child. At the same time, I wonder why they keep on helping those people (even family members) after they keep on getting screwed over by these people. Some people are so ungrateful that I wonder if they're human to just forget about what my parents have done for them.

Day 1 of many painless days

2008-05-06T20:52:00.000-04:00

Intake

Breakfast: A croissant with a baked chicken leg
Lunch: Nasty chicken noodles with yesterday's take out noodles WITH an egg
Snack: An orange
Dinner: A croissant with 1/8th of an egg

Drinks: more than a liter of water

Work out

Time: 24:25minutes (goal was 30 minutes)
Calories: 210
Activity: Ran/walk an average of 3.8 miles per hour

I fought off the urge to buy chocolates, ice creams, and junk food. Oh GOD! It will not persist for long. I know that I will give into temptation. Oh no!!

I was very tempted to just watch tv rather than work out!! I started off with a lazy mind..and that's pathetic!!

I hope to do this for the next 30 days! This MUST serve as a motivation for me....no other intentions for this post!

Another attempt........

2008-05-05T21:47:00.000-04:00

I think I'll try to get back on shape. I want to walk to the library every day and make myself a better person.

Every time I make a decision public, my attempts fail miserably!!!!

Let's see how it works out!

Height: 5'5
Current Weight: 1_5 lbs(Yes, there is a blank in between the 1 and the 5)
Goal weight: 1_5lbs- 20 lbs
Time span: 1 month

Challenging. Something that I'm NOT so used to!! I shall update on this in exactly a month!

He who doesn't stop for anybody...

2008-05-02T22:18:00.000-04:00

Time!!

Often, we complain that we don't have enough time. That 24 hours a day is not enough. I beg to differ. I think that it is just enough time for us and our tiny brain. Then why do people hope and wish that God should award us with more time? .........

The answer is time management!!

You watched tv for hours and hours, when you could have studied for at least one hour. You do this until two days before your exam. THEN you complain about how difficult the class is, how the teacher is incompetent, how you don't have any time to study, how much materials is left to cover, AND your lack of sleep!!! At the end of the day, the teacher who did his job is to be blamed!! Yeah..that sounds about right!!

You spent day after day hanging out with friends for hours and hours. You know that the deadline for that project is approaching. It's all good. You 'know' that you have time to complete it. Two days before the project is due, you are loading up on coffee and freaking out. You blame everyone from your boss to the sweeper. Of course, you have a heavy work load. Of course, you will be sleep deprived for a couple of days. Then again..it's not your fault. It is others' fault. Yup.. that sounds about right!!

You work 8 hours a day. Of course you are tired. You don't expect your husband to understand because he is not on his feet the entire day. You want to spend time with your children. You can't... because.......because...you are too tired. Your husband and your children are getting on your nerves. Hmm..interesting. You sleep for 8 hours. You are at work for 8 hours. Your drive to work may be 2 hours back and forth. Your time to get ready/groom yourself/freshen yourself up may be 2 hours in total. Hmm..and here I was..under the impression that there are 24 hours a day. Oh wait, there's the weekend. But no...that's YOUR time to spend time on YOURSELF (shopping, grooming, roaming with friends). Yeah...spending an hour or two with your children and your husband is UNTHINKABLE. Of course, your husband and your children infact ARE expecting way too much from you. Yeah..that sounds about right!!

May be we should start having a different perspective on things and stop being selfish. Haha. Yeah right. Like that's going to happen...it's the inevitable!!

I've been tagged....for the first time...:D

2008-04-29T16:31:00.000-04:00

1) Last movie you saw in a theatre?
Oh man. I can't remember the last time that I'd watched a movie on TV. I think that the movie that I'd watched on theater was Enchanted.

2) What book are you reading?
I'm reading many (because I'm forced to); but nothing that is fun. I shall start on my leisure reading in exactly a week.

3) Favorite board game?
None.

4) Favorite magazine?
I don't read magazines.

5) Favorite smells?
Don't have an affinity toward a particular smell. Well..ACTUALLY..now that I think about it... I believe I'm quite fond of the 'AXE' deodorant. ;)... mesmerizing!! ;)

6) Favorite thing to do in weekend?
I would LOVE to walk around aimlessly and spend my entire day at the theaters. But yeah.. never happens.

7) Worst feeling in the world?
Helplessness.

8)What is the first thing you think of when u wakeup?
I pray/wish that no one called when I was sleeping. I have this habit of picking up the calls and rambling when people call in the middle of the night. The next day, I'm told that I said some gruesome things. Hey...you took the risk!!

9) Favorite fast food place?
Burger King (Yeah...I know...but I love their whopper), Wendy's, SUBWAY (is that even considered FAST FOOD?)!!!

10) Future child’s name?
Haven't thought much into the future. Emm...Joshua is a nice name!

11) Finish this statement --- 'If I had a lot of money'
I wouldn't know what to do with it.

12) Do you drive fast?
:D Faster than any other girl that you know.

13) Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
My stuffed animals have been abducted.

14) Storms -- Cool or Scary?
Scrool. Nah. It's cool. I love the feeling that I get when it gets dark and gloomy.

15) What was your first car?
Toyota Corolla

16) Favorite drink?
Water - really..that's all I drink.

17) Finish this statement --- If i had the time i would
....sleep!

18) Do you eat the stems on broccoli?
YES I do!

19) If you could dye your hair any other color, what would be your choice?
Auburn with dark brown highlights (However that looks!!)

20) Name all the different cities/towns you have lived in?
(These are the places that I've stayed for more than one night :D)
1. Pathanapuram, Kerala, India
2. Dubai, Dubai
3. Dallas, Texas, United States
4. Atlanta, Georgia, United States
5. Udagamandalam, Tamil Nadu, India

21) Favorite sports to watch?
Cricket

22) One information about the person who sent this to you?
I don't know why..but random people think that we are similar! :D

23) What’s under your bed?
Nothing..probably random books or papers!

24) Would you like to be born as yourself again?
I wouldn't mind. I like me. I LOVE me.

25) Morning person or night owl?
Varies..depending on the day and the mood.

26) Over easy or sunny side up?
Have no preference when it comes to food.

27) Favorite place to relax?
Emmm....my living room?

28) Favorite pie?
Emm....apple, may be!

29) Favorite ice cream flavor?
Oh please don't ask me to pick!!

30) Of all the people you have tagged, who is the most likely to respond first?
I'm not tagging anyone!! :D

Me - the anomaly

2008-04-27T15:39:00.000-04:00

Ever since they can think straight, almost every girl starts fantasizing about her future: her husband (prince), her children (about 10-20 of them), her house (a castle), and so on. Once she reaches puberty, the expectations on the husband will skyrocket, the number of children that she wants will decrease, and the expectation on the house stays the same. Once she is past her teenage years, at one point or another, she will realize that there is no prince, there is no perfect guy, or that she is doomed to be alone. Still the thought of having a family is there. She has dreams about the perfect family which she wishes and hopes to have one day. No matter how much she seems to be bitter and devastated, she never gives up her dream. There's always that hope. There's always that 'spark'! I read this in a book: 'Whenever a guy sees a girl, he is thinking about a potential sex partner. Whenever a girl sees a guy, she is thinking about a potential husband." I think that it is true for the most part.

Growing up, I didn't have many girl friends. I started having tuition classes when I was in Upper KinderGarten. My tuition class consisted of me, and three other boys. We used to go to the class (which was taught by a neighbor) every day after school. I think we even had classes on weekends. Regardless, I grew up with these guys. As we got older, these guys became my brother's friends as well. There were no girls my age in the vicinity of my house. I remember having one doll when I was around a year old, I think that my mom gave it to a beggar when I was 3 or something. I wasn't a demanding child, so my parents were happy as long as I was happy (playing with bricks and stone and mud and sticks).

My mom left for Saudi for 5 years when I was about 5. My dad practically raised us by himself until I was 11. During those years, all I concentrated on was studies. I did not have much of a life outside of school. I don't think that I had many complaints about that as well. I was too naive to construct any fantasy world about my future. I don't remember being attracted to any guys when I was in India. I remember noticing a couple, though. They had this aura around them which was so mystifying yet so attractive. Oh yeah, I think this is a good time to say that what I find attractive doesn't necessarily complement with another female's idea of 'attractiveness'! Oh yeah, I never spoke to these guys...but I had often found them peeking at me (in the bus stop, in church - another incentive to go to school and church, eh). I still didn't have recurring dreams about a prince in shining armor or a 'happily ever after' theme!

After I came to America, after being exposed to anything and everything that you can possibly imagine..you would think that I'd have a 'dream' or a 'fantasy' about a future. I don't. It surprises me that I'm quite apathetic about something that most girls have figured out when they were 4 years old. Yes, I do have expectations about a guy that I end up with. But I have never thought (expected) much about the 'family' deal even though I do like to have a family one day. I haven't thought about how many children I want. I haven't thought about where I want to live. Heck, I haven't given my wedding day much of a thought.

I wonder if it's an anomaly to not give my future much of a thought. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. That's my train of thought about anything and everything that has to do with the future. I don't think that you will find another soul who is so confused as I am. If you ask me why I'm doing what I'm doing, I'll just give you a blank look and respond 'I have no idea!' Is this just a phase?

I strongly feel that I like being (and want to be) alone. Is it because the right guy hasn't showed up yet? :D Benefit of doubt...eh!!!

And then there was light.................

2008-04-21T16:47:00.000-04:00

It all started around 10.30 am as I was semi paying attention in class and semi studying for an exam that was to start in an hour. The teacher puts a problem on the board, looks at me, and calls me by my name and asked me for the answer. HE CALLED ME BY MY NAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My teacher knows my name!!!!! Ok, I'm not surprised that he asked me for the answer. I was surprised that he actually knew my name. He doesn't call ANYONE ELSE by their name and it is the first time in 4 months that he has called anyone by name and it was me. He kept on looking at me every time he asked a question. This is what you get if you stop by a teacher's office whenever you like and ask him questions and sit around and chat!! *Shudder* May be I can get a recommendation from him!!

I studied for the exam as much as I could (I should add that I did slack off and procrastinate and could have done better). I was confident about some of the answers. There were definitely some that made me sit back, fold my arms, and stare at space for a few minutes. I just want to get a B on that test and I might just be in heaven!! As I was walking out, the teacher smiles and asks, 'the test was easy for you, eh?' I was like, ' oh yeah'! It would have been definitely easy if I had realized my damn priorities!

With a heavy mind, I got in to the car. I was definitely disappointed at myself. As an attempt to cheer myself up, I rolled the windows down and played this Indian song with wicked beats! The next thing I know is that this guy (driver) who was in the car infront of me, put his hand up and raised his index finger. Then he bobbed his head. THEN he adjusted his rearview mirror to look at me. I couldn't stop laughing!! He was definitely Indian. His license plate had the logo of my school as well. We both turned into the highway and he recklessly got infront of a truck and sped off. After a minute or so, he got into the slow lane. Scared that I might follow him (At times, I can't control my curiosity), I got into the right most lane to get into the freeway. I kept on laughing and wondering to myself who he could be. Wonder why he did what he did. Hey, at least he didn't show me the middle finger. Anyway, I thank the dude from the bottom of my heart for making my day! May God bless him abundantly.

I got home and decided to check out what was on tv. It was some boring movie. Anyhow, I went to my room. I unhooked the button of my jeans. The jeans zipper WAS OPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know when that happened. I don't know how that happened!!!!!! May be I just forgot to zip after I used the bathroom right before the exam. I cannot believe that I walked around downtown and the train station and in the train with the damn zipper OPEN!!! Thank God that I get over stuff pretty easy.

I wonder if my day could get any worse! Well, it's me that were talking about..anything is possible. What's next? Someone calls me and tells me that he loves me and that he wants to marry me? Trust me..if that happens today, I really wouldn't be taken back. All kind of odd things are happening. Yeah, hell is freezing over!!!

My Country vs. My Country

2008-04-20T13:50:00.000-04:00

*The intention of this post is not to degrade India or the United States of America. These are purely my personal opinions and have developed through my experiences. Opinions are like a$$h@le$, everyone has them.*

Which country do you like better: India or America?

I've been asked this particular question a plethora of times that I feel like I should carry around a notecard explaining my stand to present it to the enquirer. To tell you the truth, I can't pick one country over the other. Both country has its pros and cons. I have a special inclination toward India because I was born there and it's my mother country. I have a special inclination toward America because it molded me into the being that I am today. I will try to list the cons and pros of each countries...but I'll never be able to pick one over the other! Both are equally bad! Well..may be I should say that both are equally good! :D

India (pros)

The rich culture, morals, and values that India stand for is mindblowing. It is a beautiful country filled with beautiful people. I doubt that the sense of family and togetherness can be seen anywhere else. The people are extremely intelligent and educated as well. You can see the entire world in India alone. The history and the past of India is unique and it is what makes the country so beautiful. Your neighbors and more or less like your family. We are very social beings who help each other out during troubled times. The authentic food is beyond delicious. Indians are extremely hospitable. It is where family is. It is where friends are. It is where my roots are. It is where I can find myself.

America (pros)

Obviously, it is the land of opportunities. I learned so much about so many things after coming to America. I was able to get a new perspective (may be became a bit liberal, which is very different from the right conservative views in India) after coming here. You can be anything that you want to be at any age. You are taught to be independent and responsible at a very young age. You are encouraged to be yourself and be proud of it too. You are presented with anything and everything...and if you use those resources well, you can succeed beyond your imagniation. If you want to get something done, you can have it done in the shortest time possible. If you are a citizen, you can enter certain countries without a visa.

India (cons)

It goes without saying that India's political infrastructure may be one of the most corrupted in the world. Politicians don't give a damn about the people. People can't rely on the authorities. The riots between political parties is so unbearable that I am forced to think of murdering some politicians. It takes forever to get something done. You have to bribe everyone from the peon to the head of the management to get a paperwork done. The administrators who are supposed to work for the people, spend the people's money for their own benefit..hence, the people end up getting screwed over and continue to live in the most pathetic of lifestyle. It's heart breaking to watch the riots between people of different religious beliefs. The climate is unbearable.

America (cons)

The fact that everything is available to everyone without much restriction is definitely a drawback. Family, relationships, togetherness, etc. are not given much importance. It is a very individualistic society. You can get very caught up in the fast paced life that you might tend to forget about family commitments - there seems to be no time to do much of leisurely activities espeically if you have a family. What you make here, you spend here! Americans (in some 'conservative' areas) have become xenophobic. You have a long lasting relationship with your mortgage and credit card companies.

Every country has its pros and cons. That doesn't mean that one is better than the other. Evaluating a country is purely subjective and it varies from one individual to another. I love India. I love America. Don't ask me which one I like the best. Don't ask me which one I prefer. Don't ask me to choose. I can't and I won't!

Random: My dream is to go back to India one day and establish a setting to help the needy (something in the medical field - may be build a hospital or something). I actually want to travel the world! I wonder if the latter will ever come true!! *Sigh*

The people that add flavor to my life..

2008-04-18T15:26:00.000-04:00

Usually, I have issues with admitting my feelings. But today, I am not holding it back. I must announce to the entire world that I have the best friends in the entire universe and I love them to death. They have helped me so much during the past four months. They've been so understanding and patient with me.

Shakespeare nailed it: (From Sonnett 30)
But if I think of you while I am in this state of sadness, dear friend,.
All my losses are compensated for and my sorrow ends.

In the past few days, I realized how much my friends mean to me. I want to share how amazing they are...because...they just are!! :D They have inspired and motivated me so much. They have more faith in me than I have in myself.

A.M. - The one who is extremely patient with me. He is one guy who makes himself available whenever I 'want' and 'need' him to. I feel extremely comfortable around him. Someone to go to when you want to have a sensible and long conversation. I can call him at any odd hours and he probably won't pick up. He'll call back and I'll make him feel guilty. The apologies that I get from is infinite! He's so genuine! He's an absolute gentleman with hazel eyes. He's never gotten annoyed at me even though I've given him more than enough reasons to do so. He's the only friend that I tend to be too stubborn around, but he has always kept his cool.........so far.

A.C. - The only person on earth who thinks exactly like me, who acts exactly like me, and even talks like me. I've known her for almost 5 years and our relationship is stronger as days go by. I can be a complete idiot around her and she probably will do the same. We check out this particular guy every tuesdays and thursdays and we are definitely not discreet. I think he's getting scared of us. It scares me at times to see how similar we are.

C.L-N. - My Vietnamese sister. She and I can relate to each other regardless of our differences in views. She has so much faith in me and is the perfect source of motivation and inspiration. One of the most hardworking people that I know and smart too.

D.G. - Someone that I can't delineate in a few words. A guy that deviates from the stereotypical guy image. Someone who's a philanthropist who is always ready to help. He's one guy that I can't figure out. He has an integral role in my sanity. He has influenced me in a plethora of ways that I dedicate all my optimism to him and him alone. I respect him so much that I can't even call him by his name.

S.J. - A friend who is not like an elder brother, but IS an elder brother. The one who watches out for me. The one who is more than willing to beat someone up for me. The one who is always there for me when I'm in need. The one who respects my opinions and tolerates me.

S.T- A friend who advises like a mother. A friend who loves me like a sister. A friend who scolds me like a brother. A friend who cheers me up like A FRIEND. She's all-in-one. A sensible human being who is very intelligent who gives me a new perspective on every issue that I bring on to the table. An individual who's been there for me selflessly.

Every single one of them is unique in his or her own way. They all have one thing in common, they are all my friends. None of them know each other (except S.T. and S.J. - they communicate via orkut). I like it that way as well. Having mutual friends can cause dramas and melodramas. Haha. Me and my weird 'mis'conceptions.

I love my friends. They are an asset to my wonderful life. I'm extremely thankful for them.

The Perfect Timing

2008-04-13T13:38:00.000-04:00

After staring at the computer screen for what it seems like hours, I decided to go downstairs to give my eyes some rest. Plus, I was so tempted to see what boring movie was playing on Asianet. Oh yeah, I was nosy about what my parents were doing (ie., if they were eating something scrumptious). I went downstairs limping (because I wore high heels on Thursday - don't ask me why); I may have exaggerated a bit because hey, I'm an attention seeker. When I realized that my parents didn't really notice my limping, I decided to go to the living room and sit lavishly on the sofa. My father was ironing clothes and my mother was watching TV and talking to my father. Yes, my dad is absolutely awesome. He doesn't mind doing chores in the house; he even cooks!!!

Great! Everything was going great, right? I should have gone upstairs within few seconds. No. I didn't. My lazy brain and legs decided to glue me to the darn sofa. Then it was conversation time between my parents. Since my dad was ironing clothes, naturally..a topic about clothes was started. I should have gone upstairs since I knew that I could contribute nothing to the conversation. Yeah well, it didn't happen. Involuntarily, I was dragged into the conversation.

My dad: I am not buying any more clothes for a long time. Well, at least not until your wedding. Yeah, the next time I'm getting clothes is going to be around the time of your wedding.
My mom: Did you hear that? Appa is not going to buy any more clothes until you get married. So get married soon.
Me: Ah. Great then. Appa will be wearing raggedy clothes for a long time then.

I have been boasting to my dear friends about how my parents don't bring up the 'issue' of marriage to me and that they want me to concentrate on studying and all that nonsense. Well, there it goes. Demolished. I feel like a wet chicken who was left outside - cold and bitter.

I'm not against marriage. I want to get married. I want to have a family one day..ONE DAY. I think that marriage is a spiritual union of two people who vow to spend the rest of their marriage together in love, commitment, and trust. 100% of the married couple agree to that. 50% of them end up getting a divorce alarms me a tiny bit, though. I'm going to be realistic here; yes, it may so happen that I come off a bit pessimistic. But if you read through them, you will understand that I'm making valid points, hopefully.

Here's the scenario: My parents find me a guy because my dad is adamant about arranged marriages even though my mom had asked me if I have any feelings for any of my guy friends. Most likely, he'll be from India since they are not so fond of the guy who is from America. Every guy's dream is to end up in America. So, when my profile is in the market (which some of my family friends are competing over to do), I will get 100's (I'm not boasting, I guarantee that they won't look at ANYTHING ELSE if they see that I'm from 'America') of proposals. Of course, they expect me to LIKE someone from a picture. Apparently I'm supposed to be a psychic and know everything about a guy from a corny picture. I guess that if I 'like' this dude, two families unofficially have a contract. If I'm allowed to talk to a guy after I 'like him', within 2 months we will be 'engaged'. The day after the engagement will be the wedding and I'll officially be a 'married woman' (*Shudder*).

He comes to America after a few months. Of course, every guy in India has a pre-conceived notion about girls in America. And no, it can't be changed. We, malayalees, refuse to change our beliefs and mindsets even though they are ridiculous and WRONG. He comes to America and is mesmerized by what the country offers so liberally (bars, strip clubs, parties, 'available' hot women, dollar, computer, homosexuals, and definitely not the least, porn). Within a few months, he will do everything that forces me to think that he is a psychopath. Of course I would have to stay in the 'marriage' because I have to think of my family. If I leave, my family will be embarrasseed because it is ALWAYS the girl's fault.

When the abuses become unbearable, I leave. He goes on to live his life merrily because he is in America and there's this vast world in front of him. I, on the other hand, will have to face my parents, the society, my family....and have an explanation for what had happened.

I know for a fact that I will not bring infidelity on to the table. What's the guarantee that my husband won't? Is marriage synonymous to 'taking a risk'? Is that what it has come down to?

Let's concentrate on me now. I can be extremely unbearable at times. I have occassional mood swings which might lead you to hate me. I over analyze at times. My stubborness and adamance about my views and beliefs can be annoying. I can be over dramatic. I can be petulant. 'That' person must be quite patient with me and I have a feeling that such person might not exist.

Well..ask me in 25 years.

The Pregnant Man

2008-04-10T23:33:00.000-04:00

Yes, you read the title correctly. If you reside in the great United States of America, you must be familiar with the news by now. If not, well here's the story in the most concised form:

"Meet Thomas Beatie. He was born biologically female, had sex reassignment surgery, and is now legally male. When his wife, Nancy, was unable to have children, Thomas, who still has female genitalia, decided he’d carry their baby himself. And thus became the world’s first pregnant man."

Some more about Thomas that I think that people should know:

Thomas used to be Tracy LaGondino (Ms. Teen Hawaii runner up). Tracy was bi-racial- she was (still is) half Asian. Her mother killed herself when Tracy was very young (before she even reached puberty, I believe). Tracy had always preferred 'rough-and-tumble' play; ie, preferring to play just like boys with boys. It wasn't until after she reached puberty that Tracy realized that she was attracted to girls. She started wearing 'men's' attires during college years. She preferred to be addressed as a male. After her college years, she decided to surgically remove her breasts. She started taking testosterones and started developing male physical characteristics. She did keep her female reproductory organs because she had always wanted to have a baby. Tracy became Thomas. That means that after years of therapy, cross dressing, etc. this person became LEGALLY a male. He was rejected by 9 doctors (OB-GYNs). The couples have been threatened by homosexuals, bisexuals, transgenders, transexuals, and heterosexuals equally.

Thomas and his wife decided to publish their story through 'People' magazine and Oprah. Mind you, I was not so convinced when I heard the story first. I had to make sure that people around me were sane, thus I decided to check the story out on the best webpage known to mankind: youtube. I decided to abandon all my chores and studies and sat down infront of the computer for what it seemed like HOURS watching Oprah on 'youtube'! Now, the videos were not that long. It's just that I was so tempted to see what people thought about the video that I went through thousands and thousands of comments. After reading the comments, I came to a decision: I must blog about this. Now a day when something interesting happens, the first thought that comes to my mind is 'this is going on my blog'! Oh. Have mercy!

I was rather surprised by the reaction of most of the people who watched the video. Some were furious. Some were angry. Some were in great deal of discomfort. Some were 'sick'. And of course most were 'upset'! I didn't find one comment that actually supported the couples. I have to say, I am quite disappointed by this. People were bashing Thomas by commenting that he's not a 'male'! Since he has female genetalia, he is a female - according to them.

Who or what is a male? Is that something that we are born as or is that something that we identify ourselves as or is that something that society TELLS us we are? Or does it come down to who we are attracted to? May be how we present ourselves in society?

I think that people should respect Thomas' decision..even if they are not willing to support him. He decides to have a baby. Why shouldn't he? It's his right!! How would you feel if a bunch of people knock on your door one fine day and try to control your life? You are entitled to live your life the way you want to live it. Thomas and his wife is not asking anybody for money. They are not asking you to aid them in any manner. They are not asking you to follow their path. They are partners (moreover, two human beings) trying to live their life and have a family. What say do YOU or I have in their life? The way that I look at it, they are trying to HAVE A FAMILY.

Who in the world gave you or I the right to judge others? This person is doing a noble deal. If people want SOMETHING to be upset over, I say that you start being upset over the SMOKERS around you. I'm sure that you'll be presented with accolades, if you can strip one person away from smoking. Want something else to be upset over? How about the millions of car crashes in your country caused by UNDERAGE DRINKING? Want something else to be furious at? How about the thousands and thousands of RAPES in your country? Heck, if you can't be furious at any of these, be furious at GEORGE W. BUSH. You have a reason to do that and I'm sure that your feelings/actions will be justified. If you can't relate to any of that, may be you should look into YOURSELF. All the wrongs that you have done. All the sins that you have committed. All the laws that you have ignored and disobeyed. When you are free of all the wrong doings and sins, start judging others.

I don't understand why people are so upset over Thomas and his decision. Frankly, I don't see a SINGLE reason why they should be! DO YOU?

I don't expect anyone to agree with me. I don't expect anyone to support this man and his family. I don't think that they are expecting that from anyone either. Can't people just mind their own business and go their way?!?!?!?!?

Careful what you wish for..

2008-04-07T14:37:00.000-04:00

Piece I

"Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for"

That is a song by Chris Daughtry.

Piece II

My away message on Google talk yesterday (4/5/2008): "I need an iced coffee, junk food, and a hug."

Piece III

I was studying in the student lounge. My first class is at 10am. I get to college around 9 am so I can review or just study. It was around 9.50am. This guy (who was sitting next to a computer) walks up to me and smiles. I smile back (why not? I'm a friendly person). The conversation that followed really supported the fact that I, in fact, AM a very nice and friendly person.

Dude: Hey, I am ____ ( I really don't remember his name)
Me: Hey, I am Merin
Dude: Oh nice to meet you
Me: Sure..you too
Dude: Can I give you a hug?
Me: (laughing hysterically) EXCUSE ME?
Dude: Can I hug you?
Me: Oh...Emmm...(still laughing)..I'm sorry I'm uncomfortable with that.
Dude: Then..can I give you a kiss?
Me: EH? emm...sorry..I'm uncomfortable with that as well.
Dude: Come on...it's just a hug. I've been noticing you and you are very attractive.
Me: (Laughing more hysterically) I am extremely flattered. But I'm sorry..I really am very uncomfortable with that
Dude: You know..I'm not going to bite you or anything.
Me: (Laughing)..regardless..I'm sorry...I can't..!! I can't tell you how flattered and touched I am but..sorry!! Thank you, though. You just made my day. Sorry again..
Dude: sure..no problem (walks off)

This is the highlight of my day. No, this is the highlight of my week. No..this, my friend, is the highlight of my entire month!! Haha..! It just can't get better than this!!

When he told me 'you are very attractive'..I was so tempted to ask, 'are you sure that you are looking at ME?'! Well..I let him have his say. I think people are losing it!!!

The saga continues..

2008-04-06T16:42:00.000-04:00

I love Sundays. I could go to church and my spirit could be liberated for 3 hours. It's my time to be one with the Almighty, to be one with myself, and to forget anything and everything around me. The songs and prayers are so beautiful that I am tempted to repeat them in my mind. As I reading from the prayer book, I am astonished by the depth of the words. Really, I fall in love again and again with the Lord. ONLY if it were the case everyday. ONLY if I could pray like that everyday. ONLY if I could forget about my worries at least for 5 minutes every day. I am the most happiest as I enter the church and as I leave the church. As I enter, I am ecstatic about falling in love with God. As I leave, I am most convinced that I will change for the better. Unfortunately, it's been an ongoing process. Am I ever going to change? It's almost becoming banal. This capricious mentality must change. I just don't know how I can implement this onto my life. I guess I'm so disappointed with the real world that I am reluctant in changing myself for the better. What do you call this phenomena or reluctance? Is it my lame attempt at the ‘survival of the fittest‘ deal? Or just being plain lazy? Or being in denial?

As with everything, I do have a great issue with the day though. It is the beginning of yet another week. Another week full of worries, disappointments, anger, fury, embarrassments, and definitely fear. You are one day closer to death. You are one day closer to the D day. You are one day older. When did I become so pessimistic? No. I’m not pessimistic. As much as I would like to believe that statement, it is with the greatest of shame that I confess that I do fall into the long stretched and wrinkly hands of pessimism once in a while. At times, I am quite surprised by how my thoughts are occluded by the pessimism. When that happens, I can’t see much. I lose the motivation and inspiration to move on because I feel that there’s nothing to look forward to or that nothing is waiting for me or that there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. I am thankful that I get over this phase quite quickly. Somewhere along the road, life has taught me that dwelling on negative thoughts literally rip me up. Yet, it is so inevitable. I laugh at my own helplessness!

In the past few days, I have realized that I have changed for the better. The typical female reaction to adversities have almost disappeared from me. I am more laidback. I overlook certain things; I even look past some as well. I have become more understanding. I have become more patient. I have become more ‘human’ (In this case, being ‘human’ is a rather good thing, for a change). I love it. I have started complaining less (May be this has to do with the fact that I don’t talk to anyone on the phone now a day). Regardless, when you don’t have a source to whine to, you sit down and evaluate your actions and reactions. May be this is exactly what we need. Solitude. A few minutes to ourselves to meditate/pray. I have realized that I don’t have to ‘complain’ or ‘whine’ or ‘vent’ to humans. I can go into my room, read the Bible, and pray..and it is blissful! Who should I thank for the change in me? I say, I thank the people in my life!!

Feeling blue!

2008-04-01T22:14:00.000-04:00

There is no reason for me to be heavy hearted. Yet, I feel that any happy thought or optimism have been draining out of my mind. I have been sad. I'm talking about a person who's perky, hyper, and vivacious most of the time. She has a blank look on her face now and is uninterested in anything and everything. Yes, I'm talking about me. I've been thinking about what might have caused this sudden change and I am lost as ever! With no apparent reason, tears are making their way down. Well, I am sure that there is a reason. Everything that happens has a reason and for a reason. Is my mind not ready to accept the truth behind the 'blues'? Am I hiding something from myself? Is that even possible? My subconscious mind is preventing me from getting to the source of the problem? I think I want to scream my lungs out and cry. I found myself crying while in the train. The most random of places with strangers around me, my eyes started filling up!! Hopefully all this will end soon because I really am not liking this 'phase'! I think I'm stressed. That's weird..because I'm rarely stressed. May be this is how my mind reacts to stress? Oh, I have lost my appetite. There's definitely something wrong because I'm not hungry anymore. Armageddon?

I have been talking less as well. I am beginning to fear that I'll turn into an asocial in no time if this progresses. I want to be happy. I want to smile. I want to jump up and down. I want to feel great. I want to just..be me. If you're thinking that this is THAT time of the month..no it's not. Am I going through some hormonal changes? What kind of damn hormonal changes would I be going through at the age of 22?

On another note, I am losing interest in 'checking out' guys. Not only am I turning asocial, I am also missing out on one of the greatest pleasures known to women and men equally. Yeah. Absolutely great. I'm not complaining. I just cringe when my dear friends ask me if I've decided to join the other side. I think I need an eye opener. No, I need a drink!

May be I should go sit under a tree. Either an apple will fall on my head which will stimulate my brain cells and I can get an answer to all my questions. Or I can sit under a Bodhi tree (wonder if there are any in Georgia) and I'll be enlightened.

I feel better already!

Let it go?

2008-03-25T23:29:00.000-04:00

'Let it go'

Now that is one phrase that you and I hear almost everyday. If you fail an exam, 'let it go.' If your friend hurt you, 'let it go.' If someone made you angry, 'let it go.' If he or she doesn't like you but likes your best friend, 'let it go.' If he or she just NEVER thought of you that way, 'let it go.' If you didn't get accepted to a college of your choice, 'let it go.'

So what exactly is this 'let it go' deal? You tell me that I should 'let it go', yet you don't tell me how to let it go. You don't tell what to let go of. You don't tell me how much I should 'let go'. Well, my friend I think I will contribute my 2 cents (or paisa - depending on your country). I have an opinion or two about this deal and I thought I will sit here and take up some time writing it rather than studying (which clearly should be my priority at the moment). Apparently two nights before an exam and a quiz happened to be the day that I decided to take off from doing any school work. I am the ideal student. I certainly do deserve a tirade for slacking off. Anyway, back to the topic.

What it doesn't mean.
'Let it go' doesn't mean that you should forget about the situation or the person. It doesn't mean that you should ignore the feelings. It doesn't mean that you should suppress your emotions toward the particular situation.

What it does mean.
'Let it go' means that you should embrace the situation. What does it mean? It means that you should take to heart what you learned from it. Meaning: Think of it as a learning experience and take it with a pinch of salt. Cherish the positive memories that you gained from it. For example, if you are grieving over a guy (it definitely is extremely painful and if you are not careful, your self-confidence will be affected) you need to stop and think 'is my crying going to bring him back into my life?' No it isn't. Is he crying over you? Not a chance. Should you start hating him for hurting you? Most definitely not. What should you do? You should embrace the positive memories from your relationship. In your heart, you should hold everything positive and negative that you learned from that relationship so that you can apply that to your future relationships (in friendships, familial relationships, or romantic relationships). Never hold a grudge. Holding a grudge means that you still haven't moved on. Move on. Let it go. You are worth more than what you really give yourself credit for. You are a better person. Acknowledge that and act up on it accordingly. Dream of a better tomorrow - let it go. Smile and think positive - let it go.

My friend, life is too short for you to worry about anything and everything. If you think that you know what to do in a situation, do what you think is best. If you are utterly lost, acknowledge the issue at hand and leave it to destiny. If you are a firm believer, leave it to God. At the end, everything works out. The cosmic balance will and must be maintained. The Yin and the Yang. The good must balance the evil. Similarly, in your life no matter how severe things get, you can await the blessings. They'll come along, even if they tend to be a bit tardy.

Let's say that you are at the store buying apples. It is your first time shopping for apples. You are utterly lost as to which ones to pick. You pick some random ones. When you get home, some are spoiled and not edible (you didn't really notice it at the store) while some where delicious. As you looked through the spoiled ones, you saw a pattern for all of them. They might have had a hole in them or a dent or whatever. The next time you go shopping, you will avoid those. Then again, you probably won't get all good ones this time as well. But you might end up with more good ones than bad ones. As time goes by, you will be an expert in picking the right apples. The apples are the people in your lives. Even though you picked the wrong apples, you still learned something from them right? You learned not to pick those the next time. You learned to 'appreciate' the good apples because they made your money worth it. Should you punish yourself for picking the rotten apples? Of course not. What is done is done. You can't change the past. LET IT GO. Focus on the present.

Good day to you. :D

I love me

2008-03-20T20:54:00.000-04:00

I have been sitting here staring at the tiny laptop screen contemplating. Apparently, I hoped for answers to fly out of the screen and enter my head and give me eternal happiness. Since that doesn’t seem to happen, I think I’ll start writing and solutions might just come to me. I feel as though writing down my thoughts helps me to organize them. Once I have organized the thoughts, I can think clearly. I am such a random person that I have quite a few thoughts orbiting my head at one point in time. I know that sounds weird, but it is true. People who speak to me on a daily basis know that and I am sure that it must have taken them couple of weeks to either go with the flow or just ignore my occasional blurts.

Quite frankly, I don’t know what I want to write about. More like I don’t know where to start. Well..actually..I think I have something.

I shall write about how insanely weird I am.

I love food. I have never discriminated or said ‘no’ to a cuisine.
I am apathetic about way too many issues and I often wonder why.
I am (for the most part) unable to verbally express my feelings.
I am extremely observant of human behaviors.
I can figure out (most) people very easily. I can observe a person for 5 minutes and can be quite accurate about his or her personality (if he or she is not ‘acting’ or ‘putting on a façade’).
I prefer hanging out with two..maximum three..friends.
I prefer not to have many mutual friends.
You can try your best, but I will not have a competitive attitude.
I have very few friends.
I have nothing-to-no interest in shopping. It bores me.
I don’t wear make up.
I have no interest in cars, electronic gadgets, or flowers.
My room reflects my mood. Most of the time it (my mind and my room) is disorderly.
I have lost interest in watching TV.
I am extremely stingy about compliments. When I do compliment, it comes from the bottom of my heart.
I am extremely stingy about saying nice things about you TO YOU. When I do say it, I really do mean it.
I have to overcome my ego (trust me, it takes a LOT out of me) to apologize. When I do apologize, I do mean it.
I am not possessive.
When I am in a bad mood, I prefer to be alone.
My cell phone serves me two purposes- to call and to receive calls. I don't text message. I don't instant message. I don't browse.
I don’t like it when people tell me to do something even though it might be the right thing to do.
I don’t like it when people TELL ME how I feel.
It is quite easy to impress me. Sadly, very few people have accomplished that.
Talk to me and you’ll be surprised by how much you can relate to me.
I believe that everyone is inherently good.
I am extremely curious and my curiosity has taken me on quite some rides.
I learn best if I write things down.
I can remember the most random of details.
My self-control and I have a love hate relationship.
I don’t care much about money. I mean, I hate the fact that I am broke. But having money really doesn’t excite me in any fashion. Even if I have just 20 bucks, I am overwhelmed by it.
Curse me. Spread rumors about me. But never disrespect me. Never insult me.
I don’t care (really, I don’t give a damn) about what people think about me.
I am a philanthropist who will go out of her way to help you.
I rarely admit my feelings.
I prefer looking decent over ‘looking pretty hot and tempting.’
You might think that you know me, but you can be wrong.
I remain a mystery to everyone around me.
I can make you feel great about yourself.

I love me.

I'm bored and this seemed entertaining.

2008-03-18T00:03:00.001-04:00

How long have you been alive?
A very short amount of time- 22 years

What did your parents name you?
A name that they never call me by

Do you like your name?
What's there not to like? I've heard so many versions of it that I am in a dilemma as to which one my favorite is. There really are a few good ones.

What's your favorite song right now?
Suttum Vizhi from Ghajini. Love the beats.

Which color from the spectrum is your favorite?
You're looking at it.

Random Questions

Do you like your weight?
It's a nice number. I don't think that I should be associated with it.

Do you think that too much pressure has been put on weight in the media?
No. I don't think that anyone notices the skinny women in their size 0 jeans and size D chest. I don't think that anyone notices the overwhelming 'burn fat' exercises or the 'get fit' exercises or the 'lose 6 inches in a day' exercises. Please!

Do you know that tune to the Peanut Butter Jelly song?
Sadly, yes.

Have you ever...

sang on stage?
Yeah. Intimidating stuff.

danced in the rain?
Yes. Wished for someone else to dance with me as well. It'll happen one day.

been to the ocean?
Emm...yeah I believe so.

gone to a concert?
No. It is definitely in the 'To Do' list.

waited by the phone all day for a call that never came?
Unfortunately, yeah. I also would wake up every few hours in the middle of the night to check the phone. Yeah. I'm pathetic. At the end of the day, I just want to slap myself for being desperate. Ah...life!!

been kissed?
Not the way that I've wanted to be kissed. The answer is yes.

fallen in love with a friend of the opposite sex?
No. Never been in love. But definitely have been attracted.

...of the same sex?
When there are so many guys around? I pray that I never have to. At times, I do wonder though. But no..never about a friend!

cursed someone out?
I believe so.

gotten in a fight?
Oh yeah. Well, not fist fight.

fallen off your roof?
I've had a dream like that. But no. Never happened.

Your Opinion:

Love at first sight?
'Love' has such a vast and deep meaning that I can't comprehend the idea of FALLING IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT. I don't believe in it.

Gay marriage?
Two people love each other. They want to spend their lives together. WHY NOT?

Religion?
If it helps you to be a better person, be religious. If it brings out the devil in you, abandon it.

Sex before marriage?
If you feel that you must, go right ahead. Be ready to face the repercussions. Once you do it, you can't UNDO it.

The current president?
There have been worse. There have been better ones.

Wars?
Don't have an opinion.

Dropping out?
Know what you are getting yourself into.

Guys that wear eyeliner?
It's the guy who's wearing it. If he's not forcing me to poke his eyes or feel his eye liner, why the heck should I even bother?

Beliefs:

Angels?
Exist. My friends are certainly angels.

Demons?
Exist. Certain acts that I've witnessed could only be done by demons.

Heaven/Hell?
Applies to the life on earth.

Women's rights?
Men doesn't have any rights? It's called HUMAN RIGHTS. As a human, you should be able to exercise your rights - whether you are a man or a woman.
I'm not a feminist.

Gay rights?
They're humans.

African-American rights?
Why shouldn't they?

The afterlife?
It seems intriguing...since we're all going to heaven.

Isn't it terrible...

that children get beaten every day?
It is terrible. There will always be those folks who get pleasure from others' misery. There will always be those who commit inhumane acts. It is terrible..but it happens. You can't put an end to it...it hurts me to say it.

that people have to fight in order to have peace?
FIGHT is a relative term. It's subjective!!!

that the legal system doesn't actually care about you?
'For the people', right? It's about doing what's best for me...don't need to associate any EMOTIONS with it.

that people are so superficial?
Many people are superficial. I guarantee you that all of us are not like that. There is still some goodness left in this world.

Lastly...finish the sentence:

When I wake up,
I check my phone call log.

No matter what, I still believe
that everything will work out and be fine at the end.

If you want me to like you, do this:
be yourself. I like genuine people.

I wish
to cause a ripple/change in this world.

I like to
know what is going on in his mind.

Being in the rain makes me want to
get married as soon as possible so I can dance in the rain with him.

I am amazed by
my investigative skills

Sometimes I
wonder why I am so desperate.

I hope to always be with
integrity and patience.

I love
my randomness.

This just made my day..

2008-03-01T23:51:00.000-05:00

I want to meet the person who wrote this. :D

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?

October 2002

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

Sigh

2008-02-13T20:04:00.000-05:00

I just finished watching 'Sillenu oru kadhal'! Of course, I had my share of confusion: 1. I could only decipher so much since Tamil is not my mother tongue. 2. What Jyothika did (having the ex-girlfriend over) was beyond anything (It was quite stupid). Over all, I would give the movie a 6/10. I liked just one song from the movie. Some scenes were precious. Others were just a waste of time. To tell you the truth, I was enjoying the movie until Jyothika made that stupid decision. Why the hell do you want to open up a can of worms by inviting an ex over and have your husband spend an entire day with her. May be she wanted to grant her husband's wish. May be Surya and Bhoomika had a closure through that. But still..I didn't like the whole deal. Then again. Who cares! I wouldn't say that it was a total waste of time..but it surely did take up my most precious study time.

So...yeah. As I was watching the movie, some things came to mind:
- My guy is going to sweep me off the floor as he comes riding his black beauty.
- The black beauty is not a horse. It's a BIKE. I don't care what bike it is, it just has to be black.
- He doesn't have to wear a shining armor. But he must have a helmet.
- He has to do the sweeping in the morning.
- He MUST be tall enough to fix my hair.
- I'm allergic to chocolate, he can present me with fresh fruits if he wants to please me.
- I have a difficult time walking by myself in my body on my two feet....spare the flowers.
- Balloons are difficult to carry around. Buy me something that lasts longer.
- I prefer to share germs (kissing) in private.
- The whole world doesn't have to think that I'm an anatomy specimen that needs to be 'examined' every minute. Watch the hands.
- Calls at night are nice. Waking up with a grouchy mind is not!

*According to a friend, this is why I'm still single.*

I'll add to the list later. Some of the above are meant to be satiric. Hope they're quite obvious.

Ciao.

The Flower That Fell..

2008-02-12T18:03:00.000-05:00

He was woken up from his sleep by the cellphone ring. 'Damn..I need to turn my phone off before I sleep', he thought. Cursing his rotten luck of being interrupted from a rather sweet dream, he annoyingly picked up the phone. He was greeted with a sweet voice, 'Still asleep?'! It was the same person that's been waking him up in the morning for the past 5 years. She has always called at 8AM on the dot and that day was no different. 'How could she wake up this early'!!! He got up and sleepily said 'Not now. Man, I was having an awesome dream. I think there was a girl involved too. You just ruined it for me'!! Before he could finish the sentenced, he was presented with a tirade from her about how he should go to sleep early and get consistent hours of sleep. Even though she reiterates the same to him almost everyday, he still hasn't gotten tired of it.

It was very coincidentally that they'd met. It was at a friend's party that he had reluctantly attended. He was new to the town and had not made many friends. He did not want to be uncomfortable among strangers and thought that he'd spare himself. But his friend pushed him to attend and he agreed. He walked into the apartment quite early in hope to get to know a few people beforehand so that he won't be sitting in a corner bored out of his mind. As he knocked on the door, he could hear the noises from inside. A female opened the door and gave him a warm smile. He was greeted inside where he was welcomed by his friend. Thankfully, there were only about 5 people present there. They were decorating the apartment and he thought that he'd join in on the fun. Within a matter of minutes, he realized that the group of people was definitely one of the friendliest he'd encountered.

The same female that had opened the door was helping him with decorations. As they were doing so, they started chatting on quite random topics. She was very laid back. At the same time, she was intelligent and he seemed as though she had a great personality. He felt very comfortable with her. As the night progressed, they talked more and more to realize that they are alike in a lot of ways. She kept him company all night and he left the night with her contact information. From then, many calls were made to each other...many dinners were shared...many parks were walked on. And it's been 5 years and they still remain the best of friends.

Getting back to the call, he sensed that she had something to say to him. So he asked if everything was alright. She said that she had something important to tell him. Her voice was a bit dull. They arranged to meet each other in an hour. He started getting ready right away because he did not want to start a quarrel about his usual tardiness. He went down to the garage to get his car. It started raining. He went back into the apartment to get an umbrella because it was a 3 minute walk from the parking lot to the park. As he hoped in his car, he realized that his gas tank was almost empty. He was so convinced that the cosmic forces were trying to play a game with him. After filling fuel, he sped to the park. By the time he got to the park, the rain had stopped. Sunny day, he thought to himself.

He walked to their usual meeting and she was waiting for him. He was ready for a tirade and was about to apologize when he saw her face. It was gloomy. This was a surprise to him since she's smiling almost all the time. He asked what was wrong and she just smiled at him sadly. "I don't know where to begin, dear. I thought of about 5 different ways to introduce this to you but nothing seems to be sticking. I'm just going to say it. My marriage is arranged." It took him a few seconds to process that information. As soon as he did, he started laughing like a maniac. "You got me. You got me. Great way to start a day. Now I am completely awake", he said. Saying that, he looked at her. Her expression had not changed. He was dumbfounded. She kept on talking and he could not hear anything. At last, he managed to say "And you are okay with this?" She talked about how her fiance is a childhood friend and that their families are close as well. It was a very abrupt decision and since there was no opposition from both sides, they decided to go ahead with the planning. The night before, both families came together and had a verbal agreement.

He could not believe his ears. 'Why did not you tell me about this before?' he asked. 'The whole process was in 3 days and I needed some time to register the information in my head' she retorted.

They sat together on the bench. No words. No sound.

At last, she broke the silence. 'You know, this may be hilarious. We've known each other for 5 years and there had been a few times when I felt something for you. Something more than what a friend feels for another friend. It probably was wrong of me have thought that way. I just couldn't help myself. You became a part of me and there were times when I felt as though I wouldn't have moved on if it weren't for you being there for me. There were times when the mere thought of you made me ecstatic. Don't laugh, alright? I was such an idiot. I know that you'd never thought of me in that manner. I was wrong to have thought that. I thought I should say this anyway, so that I won't have a heavy heart later on in my life whenever I think of you.'

He looked at her with his mouth wide open. He started to say something.....but she interrupted...

"Hey, you know...if you had ever told that you had feelings for me....could you even imagine where we would be today? Anyhow. No point thinking about the past. We'll remain friends and nothing can come between our friendship. I'll call you tomorrow, okay? I have a date with my fiance today and I better not be late. Well. He's a nice guy, I'm sure he won't mind though. But I'd rather build up a good first impression. I know that this is a lot to take in, but do understand...yeah? I'm sorry that I didn't tell you this in advance. We'll hang tomorrow. Buh bye."

She walked away..waving. A tear drop rolled down his cheeks on to his shirt. Just then, a flower from the shady tree fell next to him.

He truly had loved her and was planning to confess his love that night.

Nosy about me? Read away..

2008-02-08T19:59:00.000-05:00

Are you a vegetarian?
Currently, yes. Usually, NO.

Do you believe in Heaven?
Yes.

Have you ever come close to dying?
Yes.

What jewelry do you wear 24/7?
My earrings. I’m not a fan of jewelry. I wear them only when I have to.

Are you eating?
Surprisingly, not now

Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
That’s my favorite part of the broccoli.

Do you wear makeup?
No. I’m allergic to the cheap make-up. So I spare myself from the financial burden.

Would you ever have plastic surgery?
No. Even though I can think of a place or two that’ll benefit from it.

What do you wear to bed?
Whatever I was wearing before I hit the bed

Have you ever done anything illegal?
Probably…well…may be…yeah. I think so.

Can you roll your tongue?
No. But I can use it well though

Do you have a boyfriend?
No.

Do you believe in Abortions?
What’s there not to believe? It exists. Do I oppose it? No I don’t. I think that a woman’s body is her own business.

Do you want to get married?
I do. Hearing about/seeing the happenings around me, I can’t help but be reluctant.

What is your Hair color?
Emm…it’s dark. So…black?

Future child's name, boy and girl?
Haven’t thought that far into the future. I like the name ‘Joshua’…

Do you smoke?
No

If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?
Africa

Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
I used to. Now I have a cute little pillow that I hug (at times) to bed…it’s abandoned some time in the middle of the night.

If you win the lottery, what would you do first?
Jump up and down, obviously. The next will be to give portions to my parents then to three of my best buddies as I had promised them.

Gold or silver?
Depends on the outfit.

Hamburger or hot dog?
Depends on the mood. Mostly, hamburger.

City, beach or country?
All three and some

What was the last thing you touched?
My desk?

Where did you eat last?
In the kitchen: porotta and sambar

When's the last time you cried?
Today (around 6pm)…was in one of those moods.

Do you read blogs?
Yes. In fact, it is from a blog that I got the idea to do this

Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
I’ve done it. I don’t mind.

Ever been involved with the police?
Yes.

What's your favorite shampoo/conditioner and soap?
Dove

Do you talk in your sleep?
Not sure. I wouldn’t be surprised if I do, though.

Ocean or pool?
Ocean. I’ve never been to an ocean..may be that’s why!

What's your favorite song at the moment?
“Endharo Mahanubhavulu’

Have you ever had a cavity?
Yes.

Window seat or aisle seats?
Window, baby!

Ever met anyone famous?
I’ve seen many celebrities. I don’t think that I’ve met any though.

Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life?
I’ve had a meaningful life.

Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
Twirl…………

What is your fav. sport to play?
Badminton

Basketball or football?
Neither

Do you drive a stick?
No. I want to. I think it’s hot.

Cake or ice cream?
Ice cream!

Are you self-conscious?
Yes. Very.

Have you ever given money to a bum?
Yes.

Have you been in love?
No

Where do you wish you were?
Next to………………………..
Fine! I wish I were on top of a mountain

Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
Yes

Can you tango?
Learned it a long time ago. Need to refresh though

Last gift you received?
A ‘glitter’ globe

What occasion did you receive your gift?
It was a ‘random’ gift according to the presenter. I think of it as my birthday gift.

Last thing you spent lots of money on?
I can’t remember the last time I had a lot of money.

Where do you live?
Heaven…some people call it merin’s home.

Last wedding attended.
May 2007. A close friend’s

Favorite restaurant?
Where there is good food

What is your favorite kind of car?
The one that makes everyone say ‘DAMN…lucky driver’

When was the last time you got drunk?
I don’t get drunk. I’m well in control of myself!!

Most hated food(s)
Doesn’t exist

Most loved food(s)?
Any food

Can you sing?
I believe that…no matter what others say

What's your least fav. chores?
Doesn’t apply to me..since I don’t do much of chores.

Favorite drink?
Water

Currently have a crush?
I don’t like the word ‘crush’

How long was your longest drive in a car?
An hour and fifteen minutes

Life...what a trip!

2008-02-07T19:04:00.000-05:00

Color, religion, caste, hair color, body shape, etc. are all trivial when compared to the compatibility of two people. I wonder if there'll be a day when the Indian community will look past the trivial things that they expect from others. I have never even bothered to consider an inter-religious or inter-caste or even inter-racial relationship. Why? My reasonings have changed over the years. At first, it was that I failed to understand how anyone could be interested in me. Later..I went through a period of 'indifference'..where I cared about pretty much nobody in this world. Then..my parents' words started echoing in my head "If you even consider such a relationship, you will be greeted the next day with the news that both of your parents'd committed suicide hanging from a ceiling fan." I wonder if the ceiling fan can hold the both of them though. Let's not get into physics. Now a day, the reason that I have engraved in my brain is surprising me as well. I don't want any kind of shame on my family because of my irresponsibility or my actions. It's simple. When my parents used to tell me about all these, I might have had a hostile attitude toward all that..thinking how I'm living my life. It is true, people. I actually care now. *Trumpets and flutes and drums* Well. I think that I have always cared. But I never looked at my life from this kind of different perspective.

At the same time, you can't really help who you fall in love with. I feel bad for those people who are caught in between their lovers and their parents. Well, it's more like they're caught in between the ugly and loathsome restrictions that are stamped on them by the community. Isn't that enough to make one cynical? Here's one person who knows that she found the love of her life..yet can't have him because he's of a different caste or religion or race. I wish that there's a way to rewire some people. I wish that people's thoughts were not occluded my silly ridiculous views.

I have none of those problems and I feel as though there is a burden on me. Scrutinizing eyes are everywhere and they are looking for one tiny thing to go wrong with me. If you ask me (or my friends - to confirm), I don't give a damn about what other people think...nor do I alter myself in anyway to make them happy. Unfortunately....I have to keep an entity called 'family' on my mind all the time. To tell you the truth, I am very meticulous about myself now a day. Not even for a second do I want myself to forget about the sacrifices that my parents had made for me. At times..well actually..many a time, I feel as though I am vulnerable. Frankly, I have no idea how to get rid of that feeling or even to cope with it. That is when you are presented with the 'moody' Merin because she feels as though she has no control over her mind...or her hormones.

Do you want a love marriage or are you going to let your parents pick your husband? I have been asked (am still asked) that question so many times that I am thinking of making a note card reply to carry around in my wallet. I'm sure that you are eager to know the answer to this question. Well..here it goes.

I really REALLY don't care.

If a guy (must be malayalee, christian (orthodox), educated with a job) says that he loves me and wants to be married to me (Yes. I live in the LaLa land and the blue moon will be shining that day), I will have to direct him to my parents (that is if I feel the same). Why? At the end of the day, my parents are the ones who hand me over (What am I..a fugitive?) to him and his family. I will never be with a guy without my parents' permission. I am well aware that my parents expect a lot from me and that I'm expected to be a certain way. That certainly means that I am to have no significant other (I'm pretty sure). They might think that I will be spending too much time thinking about the guy or being with a guy that I will ignore my priorities. Understandable. Not unheard of. I guess I won't hesitate to tell them if I like a guy........but there is no way in hell that it is going to be acceptable if I tell them that at this point in my life...as in..today...may be a few months from now, they will be at least OKAY with it. Unfortunately, even if I do like someone..I have to suppress my feelings for obvious reasons.

Now..arranged marriage. We are not talking about me getting married on one fine morning without telling a soul. We are not talking about a scenario where I don't know the guy and have barely seen him. I have to get to know the person first. I have to at least be able to evaluate him (it's inevitable..especially since I have a Psychology degree). Oh yeah..the most important of all.. he has to be able to handle me. The Good Lord knows that I'm a handful and some more. Ah. I appreciate my friends so much...they've been through hell and back with me.

I guess...there's a third option. If I really really like someone and am reluctant in presenting the issue to my parents...I can always ask someone else to be a broker (or a family friend) and introduce the guy and his background to my parents as a 'potential groom'...aka...a 'nice catch'! That will definitely be more dramatic and I will have a blast...................IF they approve. Well. I guess...the 'approval' comes from my end!!

Why the hell am I talking about all these? I don't know. I believe that I've had way too many 'relationship' conversations today.

If life were as easy as we want it to be, then we'll be taking the fun out of it! I leave you with that.

Farewell.

me - the phenomenon

2008-02-01T23:38:00.000-05:00

It has been a while since I have posted something here. I have much to do. I should be sleeping now so that I can wake up early in the morning and study for 10+ hours tomorrow. Ah. Procrastination seems so right. It feels so right. It sounds so right. I guess it must be right then. Academics are taking up 90% of my time. The rest is dedicated to basic needs. I was thinking aloud one day and my friend supports me on this: we could accomplish so many things if we did not have to sleep. It was not until I took a class on sleep that I realized that I need to take better care of myself. I wish I could share the knowledge with the rest of the world....but I can't...there's just so much to know and realize. I might write a book one day. I tell people to get adequate amount of sleep at a regular time. If you don't, your mind will start fooling with you. If you don't sleep (that too, REM sleep), you will definitely have both health problems and 'mental' problems. My theory is that dreams are body's way of consolidating memory. Well..I'm not gonna go into any more details. So...those who don't get adequate sleep, please try to. Trust me, your excuse of 'my body is used to 2 hours of sleep and I can't sleep for more than that' is bogus. A human needs at least 6 hours of sleep. None of you are superhuman...so...start sleeping right!!

I want to scream out to the world what I'm feeling, but I can't. I'm not sure what is hindering it. May be it is self doubt. I am a busy person. Or I should be a busy person with the amount of things that I have to do and take care of. Yet, at times, I stop dead in tracks thinking about this. Sadly and unfortunately, this is quite familiar. The last time I let myself feel like this, I ended up in abyss. Self-restraint is not working out. May be I just don't want to be restrained. May be I want to liberate myself. Not good. If that happens, I will be bogged on on these thoughts that it will occlude my thought process..hence ceasing me from reaching my goals. I've got to say.. at this point in my life..my goals are quite realistic. Yet, my wants (not 'needs') are quite idealistic. To get over the temptation, I have to have a strong motivation. I do have a strong motivation. So what is the problem?!?!

It's like infatuation and attraction. Certain emotions overlap. At the same time, you are not really sure as to what you are feeling. Frustration and desperation occlude your thinking. So what are you going to do about it? Ask yourself. YEAH RIGHT. Like that is going to go anywhere. You will end up with more questions. There's only one thing left: you have to convince yourself that it is not one of your priorities and that it is not worth hours of pondering. Do you know why most relationships fail? Desperation! Most people are in a relationship because they WANT to be in a relationship not because they NEED to be in one. They can't bear the thought of being alone. So they pick the next person that shows an interest in them. When you need to be with a particular person, that is when you know that you love him or her. Now, my question is answered. It's not a need. It's a want...definitely as a result of desperation. I can move on now. I'm content!

My burden

2007-12-08T22:47:00.000-05:00

Have you ever disliked someone to the point where even the mere thought of that person is enough to raise your blood pressure? I was lying down, hoping to fall asleep, and quite randomly he came to mind. Then I started thinking about how he had affected my life and how thankful I am that he is no longer in my life. Of course I could have just stopped thinking there. Apparently, God has graced us women with a mind that can do wonders. Anyhow. After a bit of thinking, I started scheming this evil plan of ruining his life. My goodness. I turned evil for a few minutes just for the sake of it. Would it give me some satisfaction knowing that his life will be ruined? YES. Well, initially at least. Then I'd start feeling guilty about it. Getting back to the point....after picturing quite a bit of slapping that he would receive from me.

I wonder how many of us think of the repercussions of our actions. I wonder if he'd ever thought about the extend to which he'd hurt me. I wonder if he'd ever thought that I'd mop around for months before getting back to my self. Well, I wonder if he'd ever even thought about me. Probably not. I guess I need to learn to let go. To let go of my emotions. To let go of the past.

I thought it was over. I thought that I was completely recuperated from this. I used to cry for hours. For more than half a year, I used to cry whenever he came to my mind. Now (to my disbelief) all that has turned into anger. I am afraid that if he ever comes in front of me, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from slapping/hurting him. Certainly this is no progression. Why is it that I can't put all this behind me? Better yet, how can I stop myself from wanting to hurt him? Forgiving someone is one thing. Trying to forget the past is another. If we have to learn from our experiences, then how can we afford to forget our past?

I guess I can't ask why people suffer. It's a part of life. Happy moments. Sad moments. They are all there. Wait. I am not suffering. I just really really want to hurt the guy. Oh goodness, I am turning into a psycho. I would rather not talk about the different avenues that I am willing to take to make his life miserable.

May be I should ask for his forgiveness. We are sinning even when we have evil thoughts. May be by asking for his forgiveness, I can probably put it all behind me. The evil thoughts probably will cease. I should continue to pray for him.

I am strong. I endured all the pain. I am alive. If it doesn't kill me, it will only make me stronger.

People always ask me how I have mature thoughts and am able to give good advice. Experience - is the answer. What you go through in life certainly age you. When you've gone through a lot of crap, you will just see life with a different perspective.

There are a lot of people in this world who do not have your best interests in mind. Mark my words..in your lifetime, you will meet a couple or more of those. You can't ignore them. You probably will get ____ed over by them too. Don't let such people get the best of you. Don't let anyone bring you down. Know that you are MUCH MUCH better than what you give yourself credit for. Know that once you fall down, you just have to get back up. Sometimes you just wouldn't know where to turn and how to go on. That is when your best friend comes to your aid. :D Always ALWAYS forgive yourself.

I know that I will meet him ONE MORE TIME. I have to. God is not that cruel. He will let me see him and talk to him ONE MORE TIME. At that time, let's hope that I wouldn't have any sharp objects with or near me. Also, let's hope that by that time I had forgiven him.

****************************************************************************

I wrote the following on the same subject this past February or so. Interesting twist on the emotions.

*****************************************************************************

Someone who I’d considered as a friend

Relatively close to me physically

Light years away from me mentally

From

M.V.

Someone who’d loved you and cared for you.

Painville, Agony 12345

I wish I could tell you exactly how I feel. I wish I could tell you how much you’ve hurt me. I wish I could tell you how I have recurring nightmares about you. I wish I could tell you how much your mere thoughts are giving me mental and physical agony. I want to stand face to face with you, look into your eyes and ask you why you did what you did. How could you knowingly hurt someone who’s always been there for you and had considered you a dear friend? I have been bottling all up all my feelings, but I wish I were to express them to you. Tears roll down as I think about the years that I thought of you as a friend. You did this to me; now tell me how to annihilate the pain that you’ve caused me. When someone treats me wrong, I don’t retaliate. I leave everything to God. I’d been praying for you. I really hope that you have changed. I wish I could burst into tears to abate the pain. My chest is hurting because of the burden that I’ve been carrying.

I don’t know what to do. For the first time in my life, I really do mean that sentence. Should I burst into tears? Should I yell at the wall? Should I just ignore the pain? Or should I beat myself to death? What’s the remedy? Where is the end to all these? There’s no one to turn to except God. If it weren’t for God, I probably would have been dead by now. There is so much that a person can take in her 21 years of life. I’m glad that God has been taking care of me. I am not sure who else would understand me as He does. Nobody else. Nobody else can wipe the tears that are rolling down my face except God. He knows how much I am hurting. There comes a point where one gives up on everything in life. God gives me hope. Through various ways, He reminds me how precious life is.

But I am scared. I am frustrated. How can this burden be lifted up? Maybe since I don’t know how to take advantage of people, I find it very difficult how a friend can be treated so low by another ‘friend’. I never did anything wrong to you. If anything, I have helped you in many ways. WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? What kind of excuse justifies your actions? But, in the future, consider this: don’t intentionally hurt a person who cares so much about you.

I don’t want you to be punished (by anyone) for what you’d done. I have forgiven you. I hope and pray that God will forgive you as well. I have no hard feelings toward you; just some questions, that’s all. I have a feeling that they’ll never be answered. But that’s ok. All the dilemmas are not understood; all the questions are not answered. I’ll keep on praying for you. I hope that you have a healthy and fulfilled life. Know that I don’t hate you, instead I sympathize for you – I mean that in the least condescending manner. I feel better now that I have put in words my burden.

P.S. You will never be the cause of a tear from my eye. It’s over, dear. Seven months of agony that I have been carrying has come to an end. Oh yeah, my address has been changed to:

M V

You are history to me.

Joyville, Happy

2007-10-04T23:36:00.001-04:00

"Darling...darling..wake up..get up" It was my mom. She was standing next to my bed with the biggest of grin. She said "Forgot our shopping date? Get up. Two more days and we're going to India. We'll leave in 15 minutes."

I sat up. Confused yet amused. Man, what a dream!!

Maybe I'll see the rest of it tonight.

A few steps closer Part II

2007-09-30T01:21:00.000-04:00

She stood there taking in nature's beauty at its finest. Surrounded by various types of trees and plants, the house stood tall like a warrior. She smiled at the idea of trees and plants as an entourage. A beautiful house, away from all the evils of city.

A middle aged woman approached her. She had fierce eyes; but a sweet smile. She wore a sari that was put on very roughly. She was very attractive though. She asked her if she needed help. The woman looked at her and asked where she comes from. She filled her in about her friendship with him and her surprise visit to him. The middle aged woman smiled and told her that he was in his room. The woman took a step back and told her than she will show her to his room. She asked, "how do I look?" The woman retorted genuinely "As beautiful as a rose." She smiled. This was the moment. The moment that she'd been waiting for 4 years. She had planned her every move on seeing him: hugging, a kiss on the cheek, giving him the present, etc.

She took the first step in to the house. She smiled at the older ladies sitting around as she followed the woman. If she'd thought that the house was big, she was definitely wrong. It was enormous. She was dazzled by the rare antique collectibles and furnitures in the living room. She climbed the stairs and was escorted to a locked room at the end of the hallway. The woman looked at her. She hesitated a moment as she saw the woman's hands on the door knob. She touched her hands and requested ''may I?''. The woman smiled. She told her that she'd be downstairs; patted her shoulders and left.

That was it. Her hands were sweating. She kind of smiled at the realization that her body is trembling. A man who'd made a difference in her life. A man who's been an inspiration to her. A man who she could confide in. A man she's fallen in love with. He's less than 10 feet away. Then she heard a voice..a feeble voice..

"Aunty. Is that you? Come inside."

She squeezed her eyes shut and slowly opened the door holding on to his present. She opened her eyes and almost yelled out 'SURPRISE'...................

Has that woman fooled her? She was clearly in the wrong place. It was a big room with lots of books and a computer. On the bed that's next to the window was lying a man bundled up in bed sheets. Next to the bed was a wheel chair.

She reluctantly approached the bed. Of course it wasn't him. The man's head was bald. Surely, the similarities were striking. This man looked about 20 years older than him. His face was thin. His sparkling eyes filled with surprise and awe.

Before she could produce a sound, he called her name.

The next sound was the shattering of glass. The present for him. A snow globe. The whole room was spinning. Before she knew that she was falling, her head hit the ground.

She was a few steps closer..

2007-09-29T23:02:00.001-04:00

She'd been packing and repacking for almost 2 days now. She needed to take a break, she thought. She'd always resorted to the park next to her house when ever she had to contemplate. She thought against taking the car because of her erratic mind. She walked along the curb...alone. Being alone is frightening. It is the worst feeling in the world. She smiled. She wasn't alone. She had him. It's been 4 years now. What seemed as a casual online talk had led them to be where they are today. He hasn't changed at all. Caring, laid back, funny, protective, smiling, intelligent, spiritual guy. She couldn't ask for a better person to confide in. The sense of security that he provided for her from miles and miles away kept her going. He had walked into her life as she was going through a tough time. She had lost her best friend to a fatal accident. As a witness to the accident, she had recurring nightmares. She'd wake up in the middle of the night screaming and panting. Soon enough she had lost her spirits and her enthusiasm. She walked around like a zombie; indifferent about her life. It was during that period that he had walked into her life. Her life changed for the better. And it'd gotten better and better for the past 4 years. Her life was an open book for him. He alone held the key to her heart.

It was her that put forth the idea of meeting each other. He seemed reluctant. He'd told her to wait another 6 months. She couldn't wait one more month, she had said. When asked about the haste, she told him that it's about time that she spend some face to face time with a friend of 4 years. Truth was that she'd been secretly in love with him for a while now. Call it her desperation or curiosity, she couldn't wait to see him. She hadn't told him that she'd already booked the ticket for next week. She'll tell him when they talk on the phone today. He had a soothing voice that could pacify a baby. She's been longing to talk to him for a week now. And today's the scheduled phone day. She decided to walk back home realizing that it's almost time to call him.

She called and called. No answer. She went online. He was not online either. She was agitated. He'd been slacking off on their online conversations for the past week as well. What had gotten into him? It was Friday and she was leaving on Monday.

Friday and Saturday went by and she was getting worried.

On Sunday, she received a phone call from him. He started talking as though nothing was wrong. Needless to say that she was furious. A day had never went by without talking to him. Now he'd called and acted like nothing was wrong. He explained to her that he had to go out of state for a the past two days to take care of some business. He did not go into details; which she wasn't interested in. As he talked more, she was mellowed. She couldn't stay mad at him like that. She had suspected a weak tone in his voice; but she pushed it off as nothing serious. He was the same old him. She decided against telling him about her trip. She loved surprises. So did he.

Monday afternoon she landed. She took a taxi to his house. She felt as though her heart was going to leap out of her chest. It was a 30 minutes drive. It felt like hours and hours. She put her head back and pictured the moment of their meeting.

When the driver woke her up, she had a smile on her face. She paid the driver and stepped out. She was standing in front of a flight of stairs. She climbed up. She was facing an gigantic old fashioned house. Old but striking house. There were a few people standing around. He'd said that there are always people coming and going in his house. There are at least 4 families staying at the house at one time. She stood still and took in a breath of air. Her life will never be the same again. She was a few steps closer in meeting the most special person in her life.

The machines are quiet now..

2007-09-26T09:36:00.000-04:00

Driving at night on the luminous strange (yet familiar) roads made her reminiscent those days when she wasn't so alone. She could almost feel him sitting next to her. It's been a while since she's had that kind of security. She wanted him back. She wished those glorious days had never ended. The void in her life aggrandized as time went by. She wished she had tried to stop him from leaving. She wished she had told him how she felt about him. She longed for his presence. Tears rolled down as she regretted every fight that were initiated by her. If he were next to her, she would ask forgiveness for everything. She would fight for him. He was the only man in her life who cared so much about her. He was with her every step of the way as she was recuperating. And he was gone. Just like that. And she just sat here and watched. She started becoming furious at herself as she thought more and more about him. The car picked up speed. It was going 80 miles per hour as opposed to 40mph (as she was driving 5 minutes ago). Her senses became occluded. She was not noticing the road anymore. Unawarely, she made turns. She ran red lights. She was not aware of the honks and blinking lights that indicated that she was going the wrong way on a high way. It was not until she was blinded by a beam of light that she noticed the truck that was coming straight at her. Before she could make a move, everything went black.

She woke up. Everything was hurting. Everything was blurry. Few moments passed by before her vision was lucid. She saw people in blue with masks over their mouth working frantically on her bloody body. What is with all the plunging? The machines in the rooms were going haywire. She looked to her side and there he was. He was smiling. He smile was always so soothing. She became ecstatic. He had forgiven her. He loved her, after all. This time she is not going to let him leave..by himself. She is going to join him, she decided. She saw that the people that were working on her were more frantic now. She thought it was funny. Nobody is going to stop her from joining him. Not now.

He held his hand out. Without hesitation, she put her soft arms on his hand. She felt a sudden thrill. At last, they are together again. Now, she was standing with him over looking the dozens of people. Finally, they had calmed down. They were leaving, one by one. Good. It was just her and him now..and the machines.

The machines are quiet now.

Autograph

2007-09-25T19:12:00.000-04:00

I have been watching Tamil movies for the past few weeks in an attempt (almost failed) to learn Tamil. Most of the movies that I watched were useless. Useless in the sense that the plots were absolutely ridiculous.

I watched 50 minutes of the movie 'Anniyan' and felt my internal organs churning. When creating a 'fictional' movie, the people behind the scenes have to make sure that it should be comprehensible and that it should make sense. The movie is about a person who takes on different 'personalities' (shy/uptight guy, lover, killer). If the movie was trying to portray DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) in an extreme sense, they failed MISERABLY. The songs had nice beats. I was able to dance around without bringing down the house.

Anyway, my intention is to talk about the movie "Autograph" starring and directed by Cheran. It is an amazing movie. It touched me in the sense that I was able to relate to his character. He revisits the three women that had touched his life in the past. Innocent and genuine love were portrayed in the first two females respectively. The last women is inspiration.

When he was in high school, he falls in love with his classmate. He waits for her on the road. He rides bicycle along with her. He signs her progress report. Honestly, I have never seen genuine love portrayed so beautifully in a movie. There is no jealousy. There is no negative emotion involved in it. At the same time, they care for each other tremendously. It is almost nostalgic. When it was time for them to part, he secretly cuts off her hair garment so he can cherish it forever. I guess we can laugh it off as 'puppy' love or childish attraction or whatever. As you grow older, your relationship will be affected by more and more factors. It may be monetary issues, trust issues, parental issues, a third party issue, etc. When you are young, you are carefree. You want to impress the significant other. You are willing to wait one whole day on the road side for your lover. It's a beautiful feeling. There were no 'kissing' or love scenes in this particular part which maintained the 'innocence' of the couple. Absolutely beautiful. I wish I were able to experience something like that. So innocent; so pure. Something to look back to and cherish.

When he was in college, he moved to Kerala. There he meets a girl who is musically talented. He falls in love with her. He was beaten up by her family for having a relationship with her. As he leaves the place in a boat, he sees a boat with his lover as a newly wed. It crushes him. He goes through a phase of an addict until his friend shows up with a tape recorder of a message from her. Now, I did not understand her message. But it was truly heart breaking. What struck me was that the story line was truly unexpected. Unlike any 'love story' couple, this couple did not run away. I feel as though true sacrifice was shown here. They dreamed of being together, yet fate had other plans. They could have absconded; they could have died together. One may say that it's because they're cowards or inexperienced. Their sacrificial mentality is evident later on.

The third female character is the inspiration. A person who suffers from cancer who has to take care of her bedridden mother. She carries a positive mentality with her. She inspires the ones around her. She is always smiling. Even when her mother passed away; she was aiding her friend who needed her by her side.

Many a time, we meet these personalities. Not in these circumstances, per se. We fail to recognize or realize how much of an impact each person has had in our lives. Honestly, we take people for granted. It is not until they are gone that we realize how much they mean to us. Even if you did not have a positive experience with a person, you should know that it had been a learning experience. That person has changed you.

In the movie, the actor goes back and invites all three of these women to his wedding.

I see it more as coming in terms with his past. I feel as though he did not resolve himself with the first two women. So he goes back and invite them to the most important day of his life.

How many of us can do that? How many of us can genuinely walk back to our past and come in terms with those who have changed our lives? I know I can't. May be I can. It will take a lot of persuasion.

I bet that when he put that thaali thread around his bride, he had no regrets.

Forgive others. Moreover, forgive ourselves. If you feel that something is pending, come in terms with it.

Loved the movie. Love the characters. The actors and actresses did a marvelous job which made the movie most enjoyable.

Perpetual

Where have I been...?

Looking back..

Jan. 06, 2009

That darn thing.....

Century

My Beer Date

I found me!

Truly a blah!

MonDAZE

Porotta, Chicken, and Mahagony

Some treat......!!! *SIGH*

Blah-sphemy

A letter to 'spam'

new found secret...

Those who force me to sin...

Expectations?

Traitor..

My pet peeve...

13 Questions

*Sigh*

the story of 'one'

Persistance? Yeah..whatever!

Not again..

The Road Not Taken

Hope

The Truman Show?

wise words!!!!

back on square one!

To the male species..

Looks vs. Talent!

It's friday!! And it's the 13th!!

My answers to some simple questions!

50th post - RANDOM!!

Tag IT !!!!!

Sivaji, The Boss

It's for the best....

What is....what is not...!

XXXuality

In love......?????!?!?!

Exposed...

Now and Then

How...and how..and how..

Continuing to live a lie....

The deciding factor.........grrr!!

The Machines Are Quiet Now

A movie please!!!!

Perpetual....

I'm a malayalee..

MY NOSE, damn it!!!!!

Day 2 of Forever^Infinity

Day 1 of many painless days

Another attempt........

He who doesn't stop for anybody...

I've been tagged....for the first time...:D

Me - the anomaly

And then there was light.................

My Country vs. My Country

The people that add flavor to my life..

The Perfect Timing

The Pregnant Man

Careful what you wish for..

The saga continues..

Feeling blue!

Let it go?

I love me

I'm bored and this seemed entertaining.

This just made my day..

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?

October 2002

*Sigh*

The Flower That Fell..

Nosy about me? Read away..

Life...what a trip!

me - the phenomenon

My burden

A few steps closer Part II

She was a few steps closer..

The machines are quiet now..

Autograph

Some treat......!!! SIGH

Sigh

Sigh